Depression is anger without enthusiasm

I am generally enthusiastic but constant pain and frustration at my weakness is challenging me. Depression and ultimately suicide are common by-products of chronic pain. Learning how to channel the energy from this experience is teaching me patience and gratitude. It is easy to allow the situation to overwhelm me but God made me stubborn. I tend to get pissed off when I start to feel sorry for myself. That is not a positive emotion either. I was an angry young man and I hurt a lot of people because of misdirected rage. Bruce Banner says “You would not like me when I am angry.” Duh, angry people are not much fun unless you are in a position where they can not hurt you…then it can be entertaining to stoke the fire. Truly the saying “hurt people hurt people” resonates in my life. When I was a young jerk the emotional hurt was my excuse to act like an ass. Later as I became an old jerk I realized it was not an act. Thank God He came into my life and changed my cold black stone heart into one of flesh. Empathy becomes one of the new emotional muscles.
Counting my blessings refocuses me. I have an awesome life. My wife and children are gifts that I do not deserve. My friends and family bring joy into my life. I have material possessions that are so bountiful my garage overflows. The physical challenges that I face pale in comparison to many of my brothers. I am alive, quit whining and get to work. I need to recall that my “job” right now is to recover. Becoming aggravated at the speed serves no purpose. Thank all of y’all for your help. Venting these thoughts is cathartic for me and maybe will help others in similar circumstances.