Progress, perspective and the New Year

As 2013 comes to a close it is normal to reflect on the past year and plan for the coming one. Since the future is uncertain boasting about the plans of Moss and men is vanity, but we do plan. Our plans reflect our outlook, and our outlook reflects our experience. This last year was challenging. I am so thankful to be alive. Thank God my family is intact. A few days ago my son was in an auto accident. He is alive! All of the aches and pains of the last few months are swept away when I think of how lucky I am to have a son.
We are blessed. My immediate family is relatively healthy and happy. Our extended family in the Philippines escaped the largest typhoon on record. My uncle had a positive outcome to his operation. My mother is the happiest I have seen her in years. I am alive. My body is healing. Physical therapy is helping. My ability to turn my head increased by 2 degrees on the right and 34 degrees on the left! My ability to tilt my head increase 15 degrees on the right and remained constant on the left. The remaining muscles are adapting to their new role. Stiffness and pain accompany the new growth but it has a purpose. The neuropathy remains but I am getting used to the sensations. My research tells me it may last six months to two years…to forever. I have an appointment with the flight doctor so that if/when the CT scan results show no cancer I can start the process to get my medical certificate. I am hopeful of a positive outcome but at peace with any path. Thank God for all my blessings. The sustained outpouring of support from all our friends and family is indeed inspirational. Thank all of you. I look forward to the New Year and wish the best for all of you.

Jokes

What is the difference between aircrew and aircraft?
Turn off the plane and eventually it quits whining.

How can you tell if you have a pilot at your party?
They will tell you...repeatedly.

What do pilots use as birth control?
Their personality.

What do you call a doe that got hit by a car and had her eyes pop out?
No eye deer

Do you want some cheese with that whine?

I am doing great so forgive me if I whine. Chronic pain allows a lot of time for thoughts. Some are positive and useful some less so. Here are some of the more useful reflections.
You will suffer. That is part of life. We are molded by the human experience. How we respond to circumstances determines our understanding of the event itself. You can be grateful and joyous knowing that God loves you or desperate and hopeless because “what is the point?” We may not understand the reasons for things while we are alive. Glorifying His name through our thoughts, words and deeds is our task. To praise the Lord in good times is relatively easy although many of us think it is our own effort that made things good. To truly praise the Lord in tough times requires strong faith. Suffering can strengthen your faith.
Jesus paid for my sins. I am allowed to avoid the full brunt of the consequences of my sins because of His grace. I did nothing to earn salvation. I have sinned against God and man. The pain and suffering I inflicted on others alone begs for a long slow agonizing death. Thinking that God “owes” me anything is arrogant blasphemy. I was born into privilege and prosperity. I am surrounded by people that love me. I am blessed with abundant material possessions. The body and mind I was provided with is incredible.
Praise God for all my blessings including my current situation. I pray that I learn from it. I pray that God uses me for His glory.

"...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

"...he is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name before Gentiles, kings, and the children of Israel. For I will show him how many things he must suffer for My name’s sake.” Acts 9:14-16
(talking about Paul)

... that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Php 3:8-1011 (Paul talking)

"So they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for His name." Acts 5:41

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

Happy happy joy joy

Sometimes I think this blog is nothing but me complaining about life when life is AWESOME. I woke up…quit whining. Counting my blessings is a good exercise. During the weekend I was able to work in the yard because it was in the 70s…in December! My good friend came over and helped me clear some trees…it is great to have friends. We had a few beers. Beer is good.
We called another comrade and caught up. He has changed careers and is very excited. It is great to have friends, especially enthusiastic adventuresome people. I was able to spend time at the club sharing my knowledge. It is cool to be able to share the joy of aviation with others even if only on the ground. My dog came with me. I wish I was the person my dog thinks I am.
My wife still puts up with me. I am completely blessed with a beautiful God fearing woman who loves me. Words can not express the depth of my love.
I was able to see my son this week. He brightens my day and inspires me. During the week we had dinner with my lovely daughter. She helped lead me to Christ. We are preparing to celebrate Christmas which is an amazing concept. The God of the universe loves us so much that he came to earth on a rescue mission.
I have an awesome life. Thank all of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0V4TZAyd8I

Mental Toughness

I am weak. God is strong. He is building me up mentally, physically and spiritually. One aspect is mental toughness. Giving up is not an option. Understanding that trying to sustain the fight on my own is not the way either. Relying on God to lift me up when I fall is the way. Methods vary and here is the one I am using.

Goal setting – Goal setting can be long term (learning a skill, attaining a degree) or short term (I am going to make it to breakfast…I am going to make it another ten seconds) the important thing is to give your mind a target. You should reward yourself when you achieve your goals. One of the bigger challenges is to be able to re-engage if/when you do NOT make the goal. I want to return to aerobatics, flight instruction and motorcycling. Intermediate goals include being as healthy as possible for my January appointment. I have NO control over the results of the scan but I want to return to flight status as soon as I can if/when the results are positive. Be an example of serenity to others by allowing peace to flow through me.

Mental Rehearsal – visualize as vividly as you can. I see myself as cancer-free and strong. I can feel the strength flowing though my veins. I see/feel health enter with each inhale with pain and sickness exiting my body with each exhale. When things are tough become aware of being alive. Focus on each breath. Recognize and acknowledge sensations.

Self talk – We all think and talk to ourselves. Try to control the process and make the voices in our head say good things. This could be verbalized or internal…positive coaching…prayer works great here. I do not have an elaborate prayer but say “God, help me, strengthen me and let me do your will”


Arousal control – Do NOT get too wrapped around the axle about anything. Remember life is temporary and transitory. Control your breathing, specifically long slow exhales…

The goal in retraining the brain is NOT to make the pain go away but to stop resisting. Set a goal for something you wish to do that the pain is holding you back. Look for small steps. Identify pain triggers. Feel and name emotions. Count your blessings.

This method works but requires concentrated effort. When I let my guard down it can seem overwhelming. Everyday I am getting better. Some days I work my body too hard and I pay the price especially the next day. Details: the left shoulder is still adjusting to muscular weakness and structural misalignment lots of pain with movement especially above the chest, the remaining neck muscles on the left side are crazy stiff and painful because they are compensating for the loss of the other muscles, throat pain is present as the irradiated tissues heal, and neuropathic pain in hands and feet is still a constant challenge. I thank God for my friends and family especially my wife. Thank y’all for all the support.

Depression is anger without enthusiasm

I am generally enthusiastic but constant pain and frustration at my weakness is challenging me. Depression and ultimately suicide are common by-products of chronic pain. Learning how to channel the energy from this experience is teaching me patience and gratitude. It is easy to allow the situation to overwhelm me but God made me stubborn. I tend to get pissed off when I start to feel sorry for myself. That is not a positive emotion either. I was an angry young man and I hurt a lot of people because of misdirected rage. Bruce Banner says “You would not like me when I am angry.” Duh, angry people are not much fun unless you are in a position where they can not hurt you…then it can be entertaining to stoke the fire. Truly the saying “hurt people hurt people” resonates in my life. When I was a young jerk the emotional hurt was my excuse to act like an ass. Later as I became an old jerk I realized it was not an act. Thank God He came into my life and changed my cold black stone heart into one of flesh. Empathy becomes one of the new emotional muscles.
Counting my blessings refocuses me. I have an awesome life. My wife and children are gifts that I do not deserve. My friends and family bring joy into my life. I have material possessions that are so bountiful my garage overflows. The physical challenges that I face pale in comparison to many of my brothers. I am alive, quit whining and get to work. I need to recall that my “job” right now is to recover. Becoming aggravated at the speed serves no purpose. Thank all of y’all for your help. Venting these thoughts is cathartic for me and maybe will help others in similar circumstances.

Neuroplasticity

I am working on re-training my mind to ignore the non-injury pain. It is an interesting process. The neuropathy probably comes from the heavy metal based chemotherapy drugs. The nerves have been damaged and fire seemingly randomly. I have been using a combination of deep breathing, meditation, prayer and exercise to refocus my mind away from the pain perception. The idea that pain is all in the mind is not new but recent research points to our ability to adapt our mind to rewire our brain.
One of my challenges is that the career of special operations paratrooper came with a list of injuries mainly to my joints and skeletal structure. The damage caused by surgery, radiation and chemotherapy is also valid. These sensations may be real but need not be debilitating. I am learning how to accept the sensations but not attach meaning. Into each life a certain amount of pain is present. “Pain is weakness leaving the body” is one kind of pain. Pain can be instructive as in the lesson of the hot pot on the stove. God is using this trail in my life to teach me to trust Him completely.
I am very thankful for the support and encouragement of my friends and family. My lovely bride continues to amaze me.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2933650/

Latest from the Radiologist

Today we saw the radiologist for a follow up. He stuck the camera down my nose until he could see my throat. No sign of cancer! We talked about drugs and pain management. They are not as scared of the pain medication as I am. They suggested that occasional use to sleep is not the evil path to addiction that I suspect. They had an interesting point of view that not all patients report withdrawal symptoms and many people are dosing with heavier drugs. The scary documentaries about “hillbilly heroin” I watched the addicts were using 80 mg pills and mine were 5 mg. That only means I am a cheap date…or I have a low tolerance for that type of drug. They said beer is not bad; used in moderation it may help me sleep and will add to my weight. I know myself and I need to be careful with alcohol, I am a retired semi-pro. When I was young and idiotic I drank to stupor often. It was what young GIs did in the day. I think I had fun but I can’t remember much…’cus I was drunk. A DUI cured me. I quit drinking completely for four years. I allow myself to drink socially since it is an accepted way for people to bond. https://tinyurl.com/cjus6q

Pain is not fun but it was put into perspective today; I saw a blind man, a beggar, and a person with no legs. It sounds like the opening line to a joke but it is reality. God often points out things. Count your blessings and enjoy the time you have by serving others. I am doing great and getting stronger everyday. It will take time to heal to the point that I can work a whole day and/or be mentally sharp enough to fly or ride motorcycles. Patience is a virtue and I am human so I am working on that. Thanks to all of my friends and family for the prayers, calls, letters and practical support. My lovely bride continues to inspire me to be a better man. We start official supervised physical therapy next week that should help the healing process.

Thanksgiving

This year’s Thanksgiving was sweeter than ever. God has blessed me with life and I don’t take that for granted. My lovely bride and I went to eat at our beautiful daughter’s house. We had the traditional fixings and feasted with our modern family. We had not seen the little ones since Easter. The doctor recommended limiting my exposure to illness due to suppressed immune system function. I love playing “papaw.” We are abundantly provided with material treasures and that is incredibly wonderful but great wealth is provided by the people God put in our lives.

Doctor Visit

We went to the doctor today. I gained weight and I am progressing well. One of the muscles of my shoulder, the trapezius, is recovering rather strangely. Cranial nerve 11 was removed and yet I can move my arm over my head which (according to the doc that removed the nerve) I should not be able to do. My shoulder looks weird and hurts like the dickens but should recover better than I thought. I still am only able to hang on the pull up bar. The doctor told me to shift my paradigm and think of recovering and returning to flying in the spring. I have been imagining I would be able to start back in two weeks then four weeks…now it is coming up on six weeks after treatment and I still have the endurance of an old weak man. Good advice, I will still try to push it.
We talked about depression because head and neck cancer patients have a high rate of reported depression. I am dealing with it but I am pretty happy go lucky anyway. The cold wet rainy weather is more depression inducing for me.
We spoke about the pain medication realities and alternate methods. The drug oxycotin is highly addictive and has withdrawal symptoms that mimic many of the side effects of chemotherapy, radiation and pain associated with surgery. There is a huge drug problem with these and other narcotic opioids. It is no wonder they call it hillbilly heroin because it is a pharmaceutical heroin equivalent. I have been four days without. Pain sucks but some of the peripheral neuropathy symptoms have subsided. I am now experiencing “honest” pain. I still would not fly (or ride motorcycles) but I am starting to feel safe with driving. The doctor said Tylenol and Ibuprofen are somewhat effective pain killers so I am going to try using those. Fixing my disrupted sleep schedule is part of the solution. The narcotics made it easy to sleep.
My surgical oncologist is retiring and will live in a 37 foot sailboat. I was blessed to have her as my surgeon. My taste buds are returning and my lovely wife continues feeding me delicious food. Being able to taste food really enhances its appeal. As Thanksgiving approaches I count my blessings even more often. Thank all of you for the good vibes, prayers and practical help.

Latest news from the doctor

Monday we went to see the doctor. My blood work was good, my weight was down 1.6 lbs. I am not really worried about the weight loss since the appointment was about lunchtime and I had not eaten yet. Healing of the neck seems to be going according to schedule. The radiation was still frying stuff probably for at least two weeks after the last dose. We discussed pain and pain management. The pain in the neck and shoulder will lessen steadily and the throat pain should disappear. The pain from maladjusted neck and shoulder will stabilize at some point…time and physical therapy should assist.
The doctor was surprised and happy to hear my progress reducing my medication intake. At the peak of this process I was taking a dozen pain pills a day and a pain patch every three days. I am down to three or four pain pills a day and no patch for a week. We discussed the safe “bottle to throttle” options with the pain pills. I think twelve hours is a good safe bet. I drove home (supervised by my lovely bride). I was fatigued by the end but was safe.
I am not able to valsalva right now so I would not be well equipped for pressure changes. The doctor seemed to think that like the rest of the sinus system it will return to pre-treatment operation. I can PT with no restrictions. That is one of the stark realities I am dealing with. I was very inactive since April or so and my muscles have atrophied. I do not have much endurance yet. I have been able to work in the garden. I am able to do so for up to ninety minutes lately. I was able to paddle a canoe around today. Thanks Len! I am able to hang on the pull up bar. It will be a while before I can knock out a bunch of calisthenics and go for a run but I am progressing in that direction.
Alex and Tina stopped by today. That is truly a healing experience to see my wife and children all together. We ate and talked and laughed. We are going over to Tina’s for Thanksgiving. This year has been challenging but when I start counting my blessings I realize how awesomely abundant and rich my life is…
Thank all of y’all for your prayers and well wishes.

28 days after

It has been a month since I was last irradiated or chemo infused. I am recovering some taste and appetite and thus gaining some weight and getting my strength back. The pain is still very pronounced but I am weaning myself off the drugs. I was taking a dozen pain pills a day and a pain patch every three days. That was about two weeks ago. I am now down to about 3 or 4 pain pills a day and no patch for a week!
The primary source of pain is my shoulder and neck. The removal of the sternocliedomastoid neck muscle and the removal of cranial nerve XI mean that two of the muscles that stabilize my neck and left shoulder are out of action. That is also the same shoulder that I broke and dislocated years ago. The peripheral neuropathy is also a variable that makes thinking kind of hard without a chemical to reduce some of the sensory input.
I have been exercising and working in the yard. This drives up my appetite but since I was so inactive over the last few months I am weak. I have been increasing the intensity and duration of my therapy sessions. Slow but steady wins the race. Today I was out in the back yard and I found a Supermodel fishing. She let me join her. It was awe inspiring to be alive and with my lovely bride doing something other than going to the doctor. Thank all of y’all for your support and prayers. I go to the doctor next week for an update.

Good news from the Philippines

Our family in the Philippines safely weathered the typhoon. As we thank God for our blessing we pray for the thousands who are enduring hard times.

Beautiful Weekend

This was a wonderful weekend. I was able to see many of my flying buddies at the re-opening of the wings of Carolina Sanford facility. http://www.wingsofcarolina.org/
My first flight instructor student was there. Steve is now a check airman at a regional airline. It is one of the most satisfying feelings for an instructor to see their students excel beyond where they are. If we did not produce students that could exceed the "master" then we never would have gone to the moon or broken the sound barrier. At the stage that I teach of my students don’t have to break the sound barrier to pass up my level of expertise but three of them have interned at NASA, two are check airmen at the regionals and at least two are military aviators. I am proud as punch to have been able to help them in their journeys. I am honored that several of them have elected to make their living as professional flight instructors.
When Steve said he wanted to become a professional pilot I was happy to help him. He started his instrument training with me in March and had finished his instrument, commercial, and flight instructor by December of the same year. It is a pleasure to teach serious students. I realized I was going to have to step up to my best “A” game to give him the training he needed. One of the endorsements a flight instructor has to get is a “spin endorsement”.
The endorsement reads: “I certify that (First name, MI, Last name) has received the required training of section 61.183(i). I have determined that he/she is competent in instructional skills for training stall awareness, spin entry, spins, and spin recovery procedures.”
I realized I did not have the level of expertise to give this endorsement so I signed up for an aerobatic course. http://www.aceaerobaticschool.com/ This is how I was bitten with the aerobatic bug. That was 2006 and I have loved every minute of the journey ever since.
It was very emotional to see all my flying buddies. Sunday was also very satisfying. After church my wife and I relaxed and enjoyed the gorgeous fall weather. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. I will post news of the family in the Philippines as soon as we get any. They were not in the center of the typhoon but the power is out. It is interesting that the kids on facebook will likely provide us with the first news.

Flying and teaching

I spoke to AOPA and here is my current plan. I can teach and fly with certain students. If they can act as pilot in command (PIC) then I am authorized to teach. My good friend and mentor, Jim Bauer, did this for several years. He had some medical issues but was still able to instruct for quite a few years. I truly miss him; he passed away early this year. As former Navy Blue Angel he was full of stories and never let an opportunity for a joke pass him by. When I get a “cancer free” scan I can submit my information to an Aviation Medical Examiner and then the FAA will determine if they will grant a special issuance. The current backlog is 90 days. They let me know the FAA tends to have a certain period of time they will have me grounded.
I still have to heal to the point of being able to provide a safe learning environment to my students. This may be next week or may be longer. I need to complete an annual club proficiency check. I look forward to being able to teach again.

Update from the doctor

I am feeling much better and yesterday’s doctor visit confirmed many things. I gained six pounds and my blood work was good. I am trying to go drug free. The pain is fairly intense but, it would not be wise to drive (or fly) using the pain medications. I miss my freedom so I am trying to learn how to deal with the pain. I have several more appointments this year. I will see one of the treatment team about every ten days. The scan that will declare "cancer free" or "we have more work to do" will occur sometime in January. The team seems confident and I share their enthusiasm.
Today I was able to plant some winter greens and dig on the sunset. I am blessed in multiple ways. Good friends and family keep my spirits up. I can feel the healing hand of God. Please pray for my family in the Philippines as the typhoon passes.

Rest and recovery

I am beginning to feel much better. Pain management is still an issue but I have been increasing the interval between doses. Food is starting to taste like food again. Thank God! Food is one of the great pleasures in life. For the last few months most everything tasted like cardboard and kerosene.
I am going to explore the requirements for returning to flight status. Until I am healthy and drug free there was not any incintive to finding out the steps. I long for the freedom of the air. I also really look forward to riding my motorcycle again. Much of my time lately has been watching youtube videos and I have found some very interesting subjects. I like history and the following is almost like a college course in American history. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x58MR-McptM

Confession, conversion, confirmation

WARNING: Contains religious and/or political beliefs. I do not wish to force anyone to endure my views. Opinions are like gastrointestinal orifices, everyone has one…not everyone want to share/see/hear yours. I do not have your answers. That is between you and God. I can relay my experience and if it is useful to you that the intention. If you are offended no one forced you to read it.



Am I really a Christian? If and when? Does anything I say, do or think provide evidence? What does that mean?




Yes I am a Christian. Praise Jesus, my savior! I have been able to spend more time in prayer and studying the word since March here are some reflections.

Going to church does not make you a Christian or going a mosque makes you a Muslim than being found in a garage makes you a car. Reading the Holy Word of God does not make you Holy. Studying will probably change you.

My grandmother gave me a bible when I was a child and I have a note in it indicating the date of my baptism. I was thirteen years old. I am sure I was sincere but I am not sure of much else. I do not think the “Sinner’s prayer” has magical power…but, I am an idiot.

Over the next several decades I did not act like Christ which makes me doubt my salvation. I certainly was not a “good” Christian. If you asked anyone who knew me if I was a Christian they would laugh. I was chasing the pleasures of the world. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll…sex and danger…fame and fortune…material possessions and the admiration of others. My mother and father tried to lead me to the water but could not make me drink. My pop tried to instill a good moral foundation. As with most young people I thought I was much smarter than everyone else.

The air force experience exposed me to the best and worst of mankind. My God smiled upon me and blessed me with a loving wife and healthy children. I know I was a jerk to many people. It especially shames me how I treated other Christians. The bible thumping hypocrite was often my specific target. That is not/never was my job as a follower of Christ. I was rebelling against everything so when someone would bust me on my favorite sin I would just retort at least I don’t (their favorite sin). When I should have thanked them and examined the observation, comment or insult and determine if I could learn from it.
Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

During my DUI drama in the early 1990s I did not cling to God but tried to work it out on my own strength. I know my wife was/is praying for me. Just another reason I thank God for her. I read many books to help me, one of which was “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” I highly recommend it. Developing a personal mission statement is an exercise that clarifies many things in your life…nice for a military minded individual…does this action support the mission?
Here is my mission statement:
Increase beauty and happiness, decrease fear and ignorance by exemplary conduct. Be a pillar in times of crisis. I seek balance and want to make logic-based morally just decisions. Wisdom, integrity, and happiness are what I want.

I have revised it a few times but the substance remains the same. After I re-read the seven habits and work out the mental exercises therein I will edit. As a tool for living it can help if you put it in a place where you read it often. Once it is in your heart then it helps guide you. The additional line I think it needs is: “Help me Lord, so that my thoughts and actions bring glory to Your name.”

My wife is Catholic and I was a hedonist in practice, Baptist in brand. We used that as an excuse to avoid going to church…or raising our children with any reference to God. Following the flow of culture we reaped the consequences. One day my lovely daughter asked “why don’t we go to church?” I tried the Catholic/Baptist argument. Children can see through weak lies and bust you hard. So we went church shopping…Kadena AB, Japan had lots of choices. This is where God started working hard on me.

One of the sermon series was by some “expert” from stateside that would “prove” the existence of God. It did not convince me, as an argument, of the existence of God but the need for faith. God is like a lion…He does not need much defense, just let him out of the cage that my tiny mind tries to contain Him in. As a skydiver, scuba diver, and pilot I know God…He scares me.

Psalm 19:1-2 The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.

I began reading the Bible and thinking about it. Exposure to other religions as practiced in Japan, Thailand, Korea and Indonesia helped me compare and test how well they flowed through me. If the standard was good actions of the practitioners it is hard to fault the “good guys”…as far as evil in the name of religion no one has a corner on that market including those who claim atheism.

As I carefully examined my own soul I did not find a bright little diamond waiting to be polished. My heart is black, cold, selfish, and hard…maybe that is the diamond part. I had a friend who had a black heart tattoo and I commented on how I liked Joan Jett also. He explained how the Germans in WWII described the US paratrooper as “black hearted devils in baggy pants.” Christianity does not claim that we are inherently good…this resonates with me. Once I focused on accepting Jesus as my Lord something changed…it is like a transplanted heart. Stuff that did not matter before began to come to the forefront. Thoughts that were normal began to seem nasty. I care if my thoughts are pleasing to God. How should I be thinking about that person?

The jerk that cuts you off in traffic is not necessarily a jerk. They deserve my forgiveness…free and complete. That is a child of God, made in His image.

My favorite sins are not as much fun once I started to see them like I imagine God sees them.
Proverbs 26:11
Like a dog that returns to his vomit
is a fool who repeats his folly.

I still sin. I hate it but I am not going to give up on trying. The transformation from who I am to who God is molding me into is a process.

Christina professed Jesus and was baptized in the South China Sea. We soon moved to North Carolina. We searched for a church. It was fun to experience different flavors of worship. Stoic almost silent reverence for God contrasts with the loud emotional buoyant Gospel style. We found a good church with sincere worship. I definitely did not have much in common with my fellow church members. Not a bad thing but I feel like I scare people if I truly speak of my sins.

I was living a challenging period at work. I was able to visit my Dad on the way to San Antonio; he gave me a “study Bible” and advised me to start by reading and studying proverbs every day. This helped in many ways. The immediate help included adding perspective to the recent suicide of one of my friends. Ride my motorcycle, stop and study…ride, pray and sing…repeat as needed. Fortunately Texas is big.

Retirement from the USAF was the next big change. I was able to home school my son. We added devotional studies to other non academic subjects. Learning the laws of the garden by raising our food is reinforced by the truth of the Bible. I hope it serves him well. He is smarter than I…but I am an idiot.

I was able to feed my family as a flight instructor, college instructor and motorcycle instructor. God has allowed me to love my trade and given me success far beyond any of my effort.

One day my buddy invited me to a bike (motorcycle) ride to raise money for his church building fund. You put a sticker on the center of your headlamp and prizes were based on the most number of bugs/closest to the center. It was fun. The band was rock and roll; the people were weird like me. They gave out door prizes like tattoos.

It took me a while to actually go to church and longer to attend a service. I feel like I am with my brothers. As I began to attend and research the sermons I was glad they had several layers. For seekers and new believers: milk…I am starting to see the meat.

An example of simple truth “there is a God…you ain’t him.” For an egotistical control freak this is a big step. One of the beauties of Christianity is that God knows your heart…and the condition of you heart is how God measures you. I attacked the hypocrites because that is my biggest shame. Another big truth I hate to admit…it is not all about me…

One of the biggest truths about people I have discovered is that if you worry about what people think you overestimate them…because most people don’t think much. We are often so caught up in our own little drama worrying about stuff…

Does anything I say, do or think provide evidence that I am a Christian?

I am not sure. I know there is nothing I can DO that will earn my salvation…nothing! To brag about some little tiny thing would be ludicrous. To stack all of my good against all my bad does not bode well for me. I just started paying attention a little while ago. It is trippy to think of what a “good Christian” means. The common idea is how nice, how many good deeds or how well do they comply with all the “thou shall nots” do they dance, drink or curse…you could say that is just a “good” person… Using this definition many of the best “Christians” I know are Buddhist, Moslem, Hindu or (gasp) Atheist.

As I understand it if I confess the Lord Jesus Christ to be my savoir and ask him for forgiveness then I am forgiven. It sounds too good to be true. The more and deeper you study it the Bible the more complex it becomes. One of the things we are called to do is forgive others.

About two or three years ago I began to read the Bible. I would read one Old Testament chapter, one New Testament and the proverb of the day. It continued to change me…I also began to read classics from C.S. Lewis and others. I began to watch sermons on youtube Francis Chan, Mark Driscoll and others. I felt like a kid that just discovered Led Zeppelin…I wanted to tell everyone…some times they responded “oh, those guys just ripped off Muddy Waters.” Many people have been de-churched. Exposed to a weak understanding of the Gospel and tired of religiously going through the motions.

If you are not excited about the good news of Jesus Christ you probably don’t understand it…or maybe you do not believe it. The hurdle of faith remains. It is OK to have doubts and feel uncertain of your salvation. Saint Thomas is an example from the Bible. Following Jesus is hard…getting together with other believers and worshiping God is part of following. This will be a challenge because other humans will be there. They are at least as messed up as you and me…it will give you a chance to practice forgiveness and to be non-judgmentally.

For the next few years I studied and tried to become the man God wants me to become. At the beginning of this year I started to try to memorize scripture.
Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.
This was the first, I did not know I had cancer…but I was being prepared for the journey. The next two were also put in my quiver prior to my knowledge of cancer.

1 John 4:19-21 ESV
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.


(Matthew 22:37-39 ESV)
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
I have enjoyed writing this entry. I am very excited to learn about God and pray that I can help other people. I don’t know much but I was once blind and now I see (dimly) I was deaf but now I hear. It is amazing to me that I thought you had to be “good” to become a Christian…all the times the Gospel was preached to me and I missed the good news. Almost like Groucho said, “I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member." Funny but scary also…I am not in a hurry to handle snakes or associate myself with Jim Baker and Tammy Faye…but as a Christian I should concentrate on my relationship with God and his children. I am sometimes distressed that I don’t have a cool “I saw the light” moment or “feel the spirit” like many believers experience…but I understand that God made us unique and my experiences are my own. All the years of training myself to ignore the spiritual dulled that part of me. I think that if you, for example, went to the Devil’s tromping ground and were open to the spirits your experience would likely be much different than someone who actively denies the supernatural. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil's_Tramping_Ground
I know that my inner dialogue has changed…I am still an idiot and a sinner but now my thoughts as well as my actions concern me. I can see how easy it would be to become like a Pharisee and brag how well I keep the seventh or eighth commandment and ignore what a braggart I am…That is if I could brag on keeping any of the commandments.
If you wish to talk about any of these deep subjects I am open. If you do not then you probably did not read this far anyway.

Red eyes and spinning out of control

When I was in the Air Force we went winter warfare training in Stowe, Vermont. It was a lot of fun to learn how to use an altimeter to better pinpoint our location on the mountain…this was before GPS. I am not a cold weather enthusiast but skiing was fun. We were able to have one day of downhill fun and then learned how to travel using these Army issued planks painted white…At the conclusion of the trip we parachuted back in to Fort Bragg. We had been recently issued new rucksacks for winter operations. A few of us decided to test jump our new rucksacks…I learned a lot and thank God I survived that lesson.

The rucksack is secured to your body in the front and in free fall it rides between your legs. The shoulder straps go around your legs and can stabilize the equipment as you fall. These rucksacks were taller than the old ones. I was quite surprised when I found myself spinning rapidly immediately after exit. One of the shoulder straps was above one knee and the other shoulder strap was the below the other knee. This forced the rucksack to sit at an angle to my body and made the equipment/Ronney mixture into an unbalanced propeller. My plan immediately became let me grab my feet and I could fall butt to earth. Unfortunately I was spinning so fast I could not reach my feet…I was starting to “red out.” I was able to reach the equipment release and pull it. Almost immediately the rucksack was on a taunt 15 foot lowering line. Ronney rucksack Ronney rucksack went the not-so-merry-go round. I was able to release the lowering line and launch my newly issued rucksack full of winter warmies and stuff into the night air. As far as I know no one was hit by my equipment…Thank God.
The rest of the jump went well. I was immediately stable and landed at the PI. The bosses were upset that I lost my equipment and made me fill out a “report of survey.” I was honest when I wrote “during the ensuing spatial disorientation I lost visual contact with my equipment.” Thank God my weapons were properly secured or we might still be out at the drop zone searching. Over the next few days I discovered how close I came to death. Many of the blood vessels in my eyes burst giving me the most heinous “red eye.” People would let me go to the front of the line at the quick stop once they looked at me…I guess I looked as insane as I really am. The soles of my feet and finger nail beds all showed signs of bruising.
I learned a few lessons that day. One lesson is to add risk factors incrementally rather than all at once. Night freefall is NOT the place to add new equipment. Perhaps a day static line jump, then a night static line jump, then day freefall then night freefall would be a better way to test the new gear. I also learned which teammates were Monday morning quarterbacks and who were not. I had previously learned not to advertise to my wife the dangers of work unless she asked. “How was work?” is a question that can be answered in ways that unnecessarily alarm your loved one. “Work was interesting, I learned a lot. I love you, how was your day?”

Latest word from the Doctor

Monday we went to visit the doctor. Good news is that we seem to have turned the corner on the recovery process. It has been several days since I had trouble keeping food down. That is a great relief both physically and mentally. The pain still dominates enough to warrant medication; I hope to be drug free sooner rather than later but I understand that being able to rest will heal me faster than “toughing it out.” As long as I have to take the pain medications I can not drive or fly. Things still taste strange but, my appetite is returning. My weight seems to have stabilized; now I have to add muscle back. I have several more follow-up appointments to monitor my progress over the next few months. They have to let a little time go before we do a CT scan and declare “no sign of cancer” because if there is cancer present it is microscopic and will take a while to grow big enough to detect. Thank God for all my blessings especially my friends and family. My lovely wife is feeding me good home cooking and encouraging me in my efforts to gain strength.

Special Ops Pop

My parents were divorced when I was young. I can not recall my father or step-father ever speaking ill of each other. This alone speaks volumes of their character. My step father, Hank, really truly loved my mom. He did not have to accept me as his responsibility but he did…I know he loved me. He raised me like his own. I Love my dad but I was trained by my pop. The unfortunate reality of visitation agreements is that the second party has severely limited opportunities.
Hank helped me form my identity. His father was a colonel in the Air Corps; Hank was an electronic counter measures technician during the missile race. I proudly served in the USAF. I am sure Hank was not trying to prepare me for a special operations career but he did. Hank was playful and had a vivid imagination. We used to play a game when I was about seven years old.
He would trap me under the bean bag chair. I was immobilized for all practical purposes. Then he would tell the scenario. I was a cowboy and had been captured by the Indians. They tied me to a cactus and were torturing me for information. The interrogation took a turn for the worse when they made a rattle snake bite me. I could feel the poison spread from the wound site. “You must control your heart rate.” I am sure that child protective services would frown on this game but it did provide me with mental skills that serve me well.
Later I discovered fire and Hank had to effectively channel my pyromania before I caught the house or myself on fire again. Another story for another day…

Last blast of Radiation

Thank God I received the 33rd dose of radiation completing my radiotherapy last Wednesday. This has been tough but, now I am in the recovery phase. Gagging, nausea and fatigue are still present but fading. As my ability to taste food and keep it down increase I will be able to gain some weight and strength. Thank y'all for all the help, good thoughts and prayer.

Last Week of Radiation

It has been a long road, next week is my last week of radiation. I look forward to recovery. I continue to be amazed my God's grace. My wonderful wife dotes on me. Thank all of you for all the help and prayers. I am sorry I don't have a bunch of jokes.

Week 6 radiation and characters I play

We continue to be blessed. We completed radiation treatment number 25 and have eight remaining. We have good days and better days. The nausea continues to challenge nutrition. But my lovely wife is a wonderful cook and is engaged in that battle. Thanks to all my friends and family for the great help, well wishes, and reverent prayers.

Since I get radiation Monday through Friday my role right now is that it of a 7-Eleven burrito. They wrap me up, put me in and cook me until I go 'ding'. They have to be very patient to do 33 treatments. That way there aren't any frozen burrito parts right next to the boiling hot parts.

During the chemotherapy at the beginning of this journey but it made me sensitive to light I was a vampire. I think of Nosferatu. When I put the Eucerin on to protect my skin I was more of a clown/mime.



The drugged shuffle is always reminds me of zombies. During the peak of the chemo when the scabs from the rash were falling off I, indeed, felt like a zombie. Of course Rob Zombie Dragula comes to mind. But being short I don't think I could pull off a Rob Zombie.

After the operation the scar in the neck could fit into zombie motif or pirate mode. I am not Captain Jack Sparrow, maybe “Midget the bald.”

With the feeding tube my wife says it looks like iron man. She sees the hero in me despite the circumstances.

She is one of my greatest blessings.

Radiation week 5

God continues to bless us. The side effects are becoming more prominent but, the treatments continue and will soon be over. I look forward to recovery. Sorry I don't have any jokes.

radiation week 4

Effects of radiation as shown on my beard.

I am NOT thinking of radiation in terms of weeks but treatments. I have done 15 treatments out of total of 33 scheduled. The last few miles of A marathon are sometimes tough. Keeping the goal in mind makes it easier. Killing all the cancer is our goal.

My awesome friends and family help carry me through. My is wife is at the center of the whirlwind and fighting hard. God strengthens and sustains us. Please keep praying. Please pray for my wife, my children and my parents. I know this is tougher on them and it is on me.

Radiation week 3

A sunburned throat is an accurate description of the radiation effects. This makes swallowing harder and adds to the challenge of maintaining proper nutrition. Chemotherapy changes the way things taste and makes you nauseous. A large part my fight is to eat as much as I can. This exercises the very parts that will need rehabilitation. The burn spots inside your mouth and throat can be soothed by paying close attention to oral hygiene. One day I had hiccups for about 6 hours.

They gave me a drink that numbs your throat. That seemed to help but I ran out over the weekend. From about 8 o'clock Sunday night and into Monday morning I had the dry heaves and was unable to keep down even water. Monday morning they hooked me up to an IV and begin hydration process and gave me pain and nausea medicine. I was able to eat.

I got a feeding tube on Tuesday. It is strange but allows me to keep up with nutrition.

I am very blessed to have such great friends and family. We visited the club on second Saturday and were able to make Luke Van Dorsten’s retirement party.

Radiation week 2

We are blessed. The side effects radiation and chemotherapy are becoming more prominent but, manageable. I continue to be inspired by God's grace.

The process: after a CT scan and consultation with my health care team we determined the area to irradiate. It is basically the area that they would have irradiated using standard of care. So the left side of my throat/jaw is being treated with radiation. There are a lot of very sensitive and important structures on your neck. In order to insure precise targeting they make sure your head and body are in the same position every time.
They make you a Hannibal Lecter/Jason mask constructed of plastic mesh.

Then they tie the mask to the table and you have arm and leg straps to make sure you don't move.

Then slide you back give you a CT scan.

After calibrating the exact dosage and confirming the aimpoints you slide back into the machine and it fires radiation precisely.

Nausea and relief

I am NOT someone who normally got motion sick. I have learned a lot about it during my cancer journey. My wife gets motion sick very easy.  I love hear and would like to share my passion for flight. I had sympathy but I have gained empathy. We have learned some techniques that may be helpful.


Ginger including ginger snaps and ginger ale. Chewing gum and proper hydration help. Cool temperatures seem to help. Looking outside the window may help. Stimulation of the acupressure point Nei-Kuan helps.  I have used the brand "seabands" to good effect.  My wife used the brand "relief band" with little alleviation although two other people I know use them.
Vicks vapor rub if the nausea is triggered by smell.
My wife has a prescription patch that we have not tried.
There are many drugs that help unfortunately many of them have side effects that would preclude someone from operating heavy machinery...but not heavy metal.

The cause of the nausea probably has a huge factor on counter measures.  The inner ear, chemo, radiation, bad food, texture, alcohol, smell and  psychology are a potential sources. Some people take anti-anxiety in order to fly...some of them would get physically ill.  How much relief could be achieved with a convincing placebo?  That could be a human factors study. 

I know we are deal with environmental changes differently.  I have several aerobatic friends that are only good for about ten spins but can loop, roll and hammer all day. 

Perspective.  Life is good.  I start physical therapy tomorrow.

Radiation week one

I am bummed I missed the great airplane relocation. Thanks to wonderful friends and family the first week of radiation went well. The protocol is chemo (cisplatin) on Monday and radiation Monday through Friday. The familiar negative side effects of chemo are returning but, it is not unknown and my lovely bride is on top of me to manage the symptoms. The radiation is painless during application with the main side effect of fatigue. As time passes the effects of both chemo and radiation will be cumulative. I have met many people undergoing the same experience and that is helpful. “Misery loves company” is a saying that rings true. I do not wish ill upon my fellow cancernauts but, it is reassuring to see people in front of me dealing with the same trails. Some are happy to share advice. I try to provide encouragement to people around me especially the ones that are starting. It is scary and assurance is almost always welcome.
God continues to bless us. Thank you for lifting us up in prayer. Thank you for all the practical help and encouraging words.

Tobacco and Cancer

Tobacco and Cancer

I started chewing tobacco when I was young. I first tried it when I was about 7 or 8. This was typical behavior in rural Louisiana during the 1970s. We would buy different types of chewing tobacco: Days Work, Cannonball, Red Man and others and go fishing. As I reached puberty I was addicted.
I chewed tobacco and occasionally smoked cigarettes until I joined the air force.
It seemed everyone smoked. When we went on break the sergeant said “Smoke'em if you got them.” The dudes smoking could go the shade and smoke while the rest of us could hang out on the asphalt drill pad in the Texas sun. It was amazing how many folks “just ran out and needed to bum a smoke.”

I am not saying that smoking and dipping tobacco caused my cancer or made it more aggressive but I would not recommend tobacco to anyone. I finally quit in 2007. I used the resources on this website http://killthecan.org/ to “post roll” and declare that I would not use tobacco today. It has worked…one day at a time. Here is something I wrote Christmas 2007.

Tobacco Free
Like most fools I started experimenting when I was young…seven or eight. By the time I was thirteen I was addicted. Smoking, toking, drinking, chewing, were all part of partying…I was cool. This is fun and we’re having it. Time marches on. “Live fast, die young” is a nifty saying for a teenage skater punk but loses its appeal when your buddies actually die. My selfish life was going OK until I fell in Love and got married.
Married with children is a punch line for some but I find it extremely rewarding. Not much use for partying when people are counting on you. I was a USAF Combat Controller and tobacco fit the lifestyle. Dipping more and smoking less because it’s hard to smoke while parachuting, scuba diving, riding motorcycles, or on patrol.
Like most tobacco junkies I quit a few times. “Nobody likes a quitter.” There are always weak excuses to start again. “The Scud missiles are landing around us.” Each time you quit and fail the hooks are deeper. After retirement I contemplated quitting but “junkie talk” kept me from following through. After you graduate, after you get your CFI, after the New Year, the can kept getting kicked down the road. (Pun intended) One of the most troubling things about surviving is that you get old. There I was forty two and still running around like an idiot with a turd in my lip and a circle in my back pocket. How long before it wears a hole in your lip? How long before your son is bumming a dip? You’re not cool…just a junky.
I don’t know why I decided to quit. I am glad I found the support sites on the internet. Posting roll is useful to me. I don’t even know Rocky but I knew he was enduring the same type of pain and dealing with it. I post roll and take one day at a time. The web resources are great. I learned how tobacco hooks work, chemically, psychologically and how some people dealt with it. I heard the desire goes away after forty or fifty years…ha ha…but I also learned that the triggers only last a few moments. I am learning how to live without tobacco and everyday I get stronger. Thanks for all your help. I won’t use tobacco today. Lord willing I’ll see you tomorrow.
Lurkers and potential quitters rest assured if I can do it so can you.
(I wrote this on Christmas what a great gift.)
25 December 2007

I think you should be able to smoke. I think bars should be able to have people smoke. If my memory serves me correct many patrons are not seeking a healthy activity when bar hopping. Sex with a stranger seems to be the guarantee in every beer commercial.

The lighter side

One of my students gave me a hard time about my dad jokes. I got a million of them, none of them good.

I have and will continue to use humor when teaching. The jokes don't have to be funny a smirk or a groan about how awful the joke was signals that people are conscious. This is more important when teaching people how to fly than classroom instruction.

There was an NCO in a field when all of a sudden a balloon came out of the cloud.
The pilot hollered “Hey you! Where Am I?”

The NCO answered “You are 14 feet above the ground in a basket under a balloon.”

The pilot grumbled “What you have told me is technically correct but does me no good. You must be an NCO.”

The NCO answered “”yes I am and you must be an officer.”

“Why would you say that?” the pilot asked.

“Because you were lost before you met me, you are still lost but, somehow now its my fault.” The NCO answered.

I am very proud of my half-brother who graduated from West Point.

Suicide

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Disclaimer: This is not a plea for help or cry for attention. I've got plenty of positive attention and an outstanding support network. Thank you all very much. When I started this blog I said I wanted to, if possible, help people in similar situations. I am proud of my son and his choice to be a mental health specialist in the National Guard. I don't have answers to all questions but I can tell you how I deal with things. In a different lifetime many years ago I would tie a knot in the string on the back of my beret in memory of my fallen comrades. I quit tying knots when I reached number 21. Some died in battle and are revered heroes, some of them died by their own hand. From the memorial website: “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

I am still angry with them. I wish they had called and asked for help. I am still angry with myself; I wish I'd known to ask them if they needed help.

Once when I was feeling down and my brother (from another mother) was there for me. I had recently run my truck into the back of a North Charleston police car and was arrested for DUI. My truck and the police car were totaled. My military career was damaged and perhaps over…my wife was not happy.

Walt offered to take me to lunch. As we went out the gate he said “Ronney you're no good piece of junk.” I thanked him for trying to cheer me up. Walt used his brutal candor and southern humor to drive home the point that I had nothing to feel sorry about. Even if I lost my job my marriage and was naked outside the front gate I could still survive. I should use my talents to help those less fortunate than I. Because of that conversation I helped Laubach literacy teach people how to read. This was not mandated work by the court, the Air Force, or anyone else. This was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done.

There are so many gifts that I take for granted. Once I started counting my blessings I found it hard to feel sorry for myself. When I started sharing my blessings I found myself in alignment. God is teaching me lessons through this human experience. I don't think the lessons end with death.

Why this subject why now?

Head and neck cancer patients report depression at a rate 40 percent higher than other cancers. We are carefully watching for signs and symptoms. The side effects of nuerotin included an increased risk of suicide. I think of suicide as the end result of unmanaged depression.

A few weeks ago when I was taking a shower and parts of me were falling off and clogging up the drain I better understood why many cancer patients would feel depressed. Changes in physical appearance and abilities are humbling. The change from running races and competing in aerobatic contests to needing a wheelchair happened so fast it is hard to comprehend. If my self-worth and self identity were tied tightly to my appearance or abilities I would certainly be devastated.

I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends and family that love and support me. I am overwhelmed daily at the presence of God my life. Not that I haven't felt lonely at times, but not alone. I have been without company in many desolate places without many distractions. I believe in God because I experience him through his creation every day.

When I was young I mocked religious people out of arrogance and ignorance. I had never explored any of the claims or their doctrine. One day I finally heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God loves us. He is holy and just. I am NOT here to necessarily promote religion. The religious people hung Jesus on a cross. On the other hand there are millions of devoutly religious people who are sincerely trying to serve God and I do not want to disparage them in any way.

God wants us to love each other he wants us to be holy and just. Thank God he is merciful because we are not holy or just and we don't love our neighbor like we should. My lovely help mate and best friend said “I am too scared of God to commit suicide.”

Here is how I deal with it: I pray to God. I seek and accept help from friends, family, counselors, clergy, and psychologists/psychiatrists. I understand that I am a tiny speck in the universe and we all feel helpless at times. I fight for and savor every breath of the life I have been given. I try not to take my self too seriously.

I sincerely hope that this may be of some use to people in need. Asking for help is a sign of strength. Giving help is one of the most satisfying actions I have ever experienced. If you or someone you know is feeling depressed get help.

Radiation

The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news. You get free parking. The biopsy results show that the tumors had live cancer cells present. They are cruising around in my neck looking for a place to grow. Towards the end of the month I will begin radiation treatment for 6 weeks. Perspective…I am alive and blessed with awesome friends and family. The day I was at the hospital was my son’s birthday and the two year anniversary of one of my comrade’s death. I am inspired to fight. I am at peace in Christ. I pray I will recover fully but also recognize that I am in His hands and each sweet second of life is a gift. The treatment I am going to start is the standard of care that has a very successful track record.

Radical neck dissection

Monday they operated on my throat and neck and removed the remains of the tumor(s). The lower neck mass, aka limpoolio, was wrapped around a lot of the underline structures some of which required removal. In addition to the tumors they removed (part of) my sternocleidomastoid muscle, internal jugular vein, and cranial nerve 11. They also took a sample where the original tonsil/tumor was to make sure that no traces of cancer remain. The biopsy results will determine our next course of action. Best case scenario: physical therapy to deal with the deficits of missing muscles, veins and nerves. Worst case scenario: radiation and chemotherapy as long as traces of cancer are left. I spent 72 hours in the hospital recovering. The entire staff was wonderful. My mom stayed with me which allowed my lovely wife a little bit of a break. My caregivers are starting to show signs of strain but God strengthens us. I am so happy to be home. Last night I spent time with my wife, my mother, and my kids. The increase in appetite, exercise, and love is quite healing. The animals seem to be happy to see me. I look forward to a healthy immune system so I can play with all my freaky family. Dave and Athena have not visited since the third week of chemo. I am at ease with whatever happens. I hope, and pray for a clean report and to be healthy again soon. I have been working hard on rehabilitation exercises, prayer, nutrition, and rest. It concerns me that the veins that drain my brain are compromised. I don't know what impact that will have on flight. I hope that I have an opportunity to work on that issue. I recognize that the battle is not over. The doctor seems quite happy with my progress so far. Thank all of you for your kind words, deeds, and prayers.

Side effects vs. serious side effects

Peripheral neuropathy is a disconcerting and some what debilitating side effect of some of my chemotherapy drugs. There is a medicine you can take and it may alleviate symptoms. It does not work instantly; you start off with 1 pill three times a day and increase dosage until you experience relief or you reach the maximum recommended dosage of 3 pills 3 times a day.

Side effects may include suicidal tendencies, lack of dancing ability, and swelling in the extremities.

Originally designed as an anti-epilepsy drug, it targets the firing of the synapses. This has the potential of fundamentally changing the chemical structure of my nervous system.  The chemotherapy soup in my blood has already made adverse changes to my body; like neuropathy.

The risk management perspective says: “high risk of serious side effects, low probability any benefit (1/3 of patients taking it for neuropathic pain reported relief).” Additional risks with this drug include the quitting process. Since you have to build up a certain concentration before the drugs is effective means you are somewhat saturated. The withdrawal, if not done with care, is similar to the DT shakes that alcoholics have when quitting cold turkey and in a few cases has caused epilepsy.

Mind you this is to alleviate the side effects of another drug.

So I started comparing pain I have experienced to the peripheral neuropathy I am experiencing.

1978 Riverside California. Uncle Bob gave me my first skateboard. It was an orange fiberglass beauty shaped kind of like a surfboard. About 3 inches wide, and 7 inches long with functional trucks and urethane wheels. It was absolutely bitchin'.

Paradigm shifts often cause huge changes in technology and tactics. There was no grip tape, roughed up surface, or even surfboard wax to help keep your feet on the board. Dummy was barefoot anyway because surfers didn't wear shoes. Self-taught skateboarders are a different breed. The trail and error method of learning is a tough way to acquire skills. After an incredible trick, which at this point is probably a turn, I took a fall. I discovered that I had impaled a palm frond under my toenail. God designed the palm frond with a spear shape and backward facing barbs so when it got stuck in something it tended to stay. The artist from Molly Hatchet, Conan movies, and weapons designers worldwide have been inspired ever since.

The peripheral neuropathy I have experienced is not as painful is a palm frond under the big toenail. Definitely less intense but of bit longer duration; I wouldn't recommend either to anyone I liked. The palm frond removal process which involved pliers and a young man/boy trying to act tough was more painful than peripheral neuropathy, as experienced by me, so far. It is interesting that the removal process is not seared into my brain with the same depth as the memory of the initial injury. Perhaps it is such a vivid memory because the initial visual image shocked me.

I am reminded when I consider my current experience to be thankful. My feet and hands feel funny and sometimes hurt a lot…I have functional hands and feet. I have a friend who had a traumatic brain injury and is unable to speak or move very much. Pray for Chad. I am very blessed; I will not use the medicine to alleviate the neuropathy. Thank God the symptoms are cyclic rather than constant.

Video of the day:                                                                        

https://tinyurl.com/pw2kx4t

Picture of the day:

https://tinyurl.com/pkhvqeb

Peripheral neuropathy

Recovery is happening. About two weeks ago my lovely wife was pushing me around in a wheelchair and today I am walking unassisted, praise God. We fill out a form that addresses side effects and pain levels every time we visit the hospital. A few days ago the answer was “everything hurts and nothing works.” As the chemo drugs concentrations change I can discriminate between particular side effects

Like a real word geek I began searching for words that would more accurately describe the pain. Electric shocks that travel from muscle to muscle throbbing, pounding, stinging, burning, and searing describes the background sensation. Movement requires a lot of cognitive effort. My nerve endings fire randomly every now and then. It is somewhat like having a Vegas Elvis take control of your legs. This adds additional challenge for the balance impaired.

Extreme sensitivity to touch is another symptom that one has been present for a while but was overwhelmed by the pain of the Lapatinib rash. Sensory overload can cause system shutdown. Passing out is not the most restful sleep. As my awesome wife continues to love on me I am getting stronger. Now I am able to distinguish between individual symptoms rather than just be overwhelmed. More of my sleep is refreshing.

I want to program my mind into interpreting strong nervous system feedback as uncontrolled power instead of pain. Therapeutic exercise includes horse stance, hanging stance, half moon steps, and plum flower fist. Crushing news paper and then throwing those pieces into the trash can. I am trying to exercise precision with my motor skills.

Video of the day

http://tinyurl.com/o36k6ba

Word(s) of the day:

Peripheral neuropathy

http://tinyurl.com/cgvtt59

...and airplanes

Yesterday I went to the club and two of my best friends said “Do you want to go for an airplane ride?”

“Why yes, yes I would!” I responded

It was wonderful; we experienced the magic of flight.

They were honing their instrument approach skills.

Airplanes are wonderful devices. I have loved them as long as I can remember. My grandma Haynes would take me to the Shreveport Regional airport when I was three or four years old. On the way she drove that Volkswagen through as many puddles as possible. I recall laughing a like a maniac every time the water would splash. We would park and marvel at the magical mechanical dance of aircraft. 

When I was eight playing war my friend Todd always wanted to be a Marine and I always wanted to be an Air Force guy. When I was 19 I became an airman. As a combat controller I had one of the greatest jobs in the Air Force. http://tinyurl.com/okqpuyz

The people are what make CCT so awesome. Jumping out of airplanes and blowing stuff up is pretty cool and if you like being around aircraft then it is close to nirvana. I was able to jump out of many airplanes which means that you get to ride in the airplane, inspect the aircraft and later, as a jumpmaster hang out the side while in flight.  I traveled the world by military airlift.  I was a passenger on trips from Japan to Washington State and Japan to Australia in a C-130. Very time consuming.  I was also able to travel extensively on commercial flights dragging bags through the airport terminals of the world.  These were fun but controlling air traffic had a level of satisfaction that is hard to match.  Being a central part in the sometimes violent dance of man and machine is addicting.  I was able to watch airplanes take off and land at runways all over the world.  From Bung Lung, Cambodia to Fort Bragg, NC and many points in between.  I even got a ride in an F-16! 

Randy Blythe inspired me to finish my degree and apply to undergraduate pilot training. I didn't make the cut. The Soviet Union had just fallen apart. Stupid commies, bunch of quitters. I put in for three rounds of the selection board. On one of them there were 63 applicants and 3 got accepted.  Competition was stiff.  I was weighed, measured, and found wanting.  That is why they are the best. I was 28 and needed a waiver for my age.  I never considered learning how to fly on my own. That's what rich people and farmers do. “Park the Bentley next to the yacht and go flying.” was my paradigm.

Nearly ten years later, returning from a deployment to Kadena AB, Japan I saw a sign for the Aero Club. I signed up for a Discovery flight. I knew this was something I wanted to do. I landed, took my Harley off order, and put in for 30 days of leave and said “I want to do that for a living.”  Again, I have an AWESOME wife.  I spent my summer vacation in 1998 flying.  I flew 50 hours in one month and completed my private pilot training.  Naoya Tamanaha was my most excellent instructor.  He is a local, Okinawa to the core.  The precision that he applied to all areas of his life was amplified in his passionate dedication to aviation.  His patience was astonishing.  Then again he would not let me slide with “good enough” if he saw I could do better.

I was blessed with a full military career.  I continued to enthusiastically enjoy being a combat controller for several more years. Towards the end of my tour it became clear that my body was not up to par for the life of a special operations paratrooper. Realizing that I was a detriment rather than an asset to my team hurt my fragile ego but allowed me to transition to the next phase of my life. Upon retirement, we committed to pursuing the life of a professional aviator.  I went from living a dream life to living the dream. I have an awesome supportive wife. 

After our flight, I went back to the club and hung out with a group of airplane freaks and we talked about airplanes.  We occasionally work on the airplanes, and we certainly talk about working…and airplanes. 

Road Rash

The toxic sweat from chemo causes a rash. Three days with no Lapatinib I seem to be sweating human sweat again.

Road rash are wounds received when you don't properly dress for pavement surfing. I've been a fool on skateboards, bicycles and motorcycles. The pain of having your flesh rapidly removed by friction is shocking. As the shock wears off you realize the extent of the damage as blood begins to flow.  The entertainment continues days later when you discover all of the imbedded pebbles, glass and dirt that threaten infection.  Wounds can be managed. 

(Quotes include “That which does not kill me makes me stronger” Nietzsche…”or cripples you for life…”)

One of my first and more memorable experiences with road rash happened when I was a teenager. Brian and I thought it would be a great idea to combine running and skateboarding...Well maybe Brian just wanted to watch.

The idea was to run to the top of the lake Matthews reservoir and skateboard back down. The older I get the steeper the hill and farther the run. Brian road his bike and I ran.

 When we got to the top I hopped on my skateboard and started down the hill. The speed limit was 35 and I was passing cars! Curves were fun and intimidating but speed comes in the straight sections. I tucked down and really picked up momentum.  Almost immediately the speed wobbles began. This adds challenge as the board rapidly oscillates left and right. I am not sure but it probably has something to do with the physics of urethane, heat and the wheel beginning to disintegrate but, I digress.  The board stabilized as the speed picked up …bitchin’

DA Rock! I saw it too late to avoid it. The front right wheel impacted and I was tumbling. Head over heels…take two steps…tumble…take two steps…tumble. For an eternity I was in this weird cycle.  I was able to kick my skateboard off the road before I took one final roll and came to a crumpled mess.

I acted like that did not hurt. I was properly dressed for nineteen seventies running, a fashion disaster. Thin nylon running shorts, shoes and sunglasses made me look like an idiot and did very little to protect my skin.

 At home tending to my wounds I discovered new strawberries for a few days. Missing flesh on my elbows, shoulders, knees, knuckles and head made sense. My shorts were not torn but I had flesh removed from my hips. During the short time I was cart wheeling down the side of the road I was able to place many parts of my body in contact with the ground.

It took some time to recover. I don't remember how my parents took it. I do remember wearing my crash helmet the next time I tried downhill speed trails. Long sleeves, gloves, and jeans became the uniform for planned lunacy. Not to say I could not be talked into almost anything for spur of the moment excitement but I learned a lot on how to plan extreme activities. Much later I got access to skateboards that were specifically designed for downhill. It was a different experience: more fun, faster speeds and less overt hazards.

Brian was a great friend. We moved at least three more times before I graduated high school and I lost track of him.  I am sure he was the voice of reason and tried to talk me out of it. But once I committed he assisted me by carried my skateboard up the hill on his bike. As a witness to the glory of speed and the agony of defeat he was able to harass me for months.  He helped me pick up the pieces and go home.  I don’t recall ever talking him into TOO much trouble.  That is because he was smarter than me and had much more common sense. 

It is said that the Lord protects drunks and fools…and sometimes I have been doubly insured.  He was smiling on me that day.  Thank God I am alive!

Week Six and recovery

Week six was also very painful but it is over.   The sweat from Lapatanib is like toxic waste and causes an itchy rash.  The thunderstorms came and the power went out.  I did not feel any pain and slept soundly through the night.  The next morning, much to our horror, the entire area was covered in a scary rash.  We managed the results as best we could. 

I have an awesome wife!

That Monday we went in for our checkup.  The doctor was cool and let me slide on getting blood drawn through the mess.  So we will have better data next week. 

Not hammering my body with poison every day is helping the healing process.  It is great to go to bed and wake up better.  Sorry I did not give y'all an earlier update.  I hope to be able to function with out any pain medications soon.  I have an awesome wife!  We are sustained by prayer.

 

Chemo week 5

I am mightily blessed. I am spending a lot of time with my favorite person. I am receiving the finest medical care in the world. I have awesome friends and family.

Most of the rest of my hair fell out so I shaved. The pain is intense. It is really only my bones, joints, and skin that hurt. It feels like I am in a gravity storm when I move. I sleep a lot. I think that is a natural defense against too much sensory input.

  My sweat is a toxic substance. Any place it is allowed to pool for very long becomes inflamed with a rash. A very itchy rash, when combined with hypersensitivity makes not scratching very difficult.

  Nauseous is sickening. If you ever smelled anything or tasted anything that made you retch then you know who ever came up with the drug that could make that feeling stop would make a lot of money. I don't get motion sickness normally but chemo makes it so I'm borderline pukey much of the time.

  I am a vampire. The sun makes me break out in the same horrible rash so I stay out of the Sun. All of these symptoms or side effects are the cumulative result of heavy metal poisoning combined with Lapatinib.

  Eight days and a wake until this round of chemo is done. Then 6 weeks to recover before the surgery. I look forward to being done with this program. I pray to God that this will remove the cancer from my body.  I'm at peace with whatever happens.

 What do you call a doe that has her eyes popped out when she gets run over?

No eye deer.

A little girl calls the fire department and says 'My house is on fire.'

The dispatcher says 'Remain calm, how do we get there?"

'Big red truck, duh.' little girl says.

Tip your waitresses, I'll be here all week.