Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Progress, perspective and the New Year



As 2013 comes to a close it is normal to reflect on the past year and plan for the coming one. Since the future is uncertain boasting about the plans of Moss and men is vanity, but we do plan. Our plans reflect our outlook, and our outlook reflects our experience. This last year was challenging. I am so thankful to be alive. Thank God my family is intact. A few days ago my son was in an auto accident. He is alive! All of the aches and pains of the last few months are swept away when I think of how lucky I am to have a son.
We are blessed. My immediate family is relatively healthy and happy. Our extended family in the Philippines escaped the largest typhoon on record. My uncle had a positive outcome to his operation. My mother is the happiest I have seen her in years. I am alive. My body is healing. Physical therapy is helping. My ability to turn my head increased by 2 degrees on the right and 34 degrees on the left! My ability to tilt my head increase 15 degrees on the right and remained constant on the left. The remaining muscles are adapting to their new role. Stiffness and pain accompany the new growth but it has a purpose. The neuropathy remains but I am getting used to the sensations. My research tells me it may last six months to two years…to forever. I have an appointment with the flight doctor so that if/when the CT scan results show no cancer I can start the process to get my medical certificate. I am hopeful of a positive outcome but at peace with any path. Thank God for all my blessings. The sustained outpouring of support from all our friends and family is indeed inspirational. Thank all of you. I look forward to the New Year and wish the best for all of you.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Jokes

What is the difference between aircrew and aircraft?
Turn off the plane and eventually it quits whining.

How can you tell if you have a pilot at your party?
They will tell you...repeatedly.

What do pilots use as birth control?
Their personality.

What do you call a doe that got hit by a car and had her eyes pop out?
No eye deer

Do you want some cheese with that whine?

I am doing great so forgive me if I whine. Chronic pain allows a lot of time for thoughts. Some are positive and useful some less so. Here are some of the more useful reflections.
You will suffer. That is part of life. We are molded by the human experience. How we respond to circumstances determines our understanding of the event itself. You can be grateful and joyous knowing that God loves you or desperate and hopeless because “what is the point?” We may not understand the reasons for things while we are alive. Glorifying His name through our thoughts, words and deeds is our task. To praise the Lord in good times is relatively easy although many of us think it is our own effort that made things good. To truly praise the Lord in tough times requires strong faith. Suffering can strengthen your faith.
Jesus paid for my sins. I am allowed to avoid the full brunt of the consequences of my sins because of His grace. I did nothing to earn salvation. I have sinned against God and man. The pain and suffering I inflicted on others alone begs for a long slow agonizing death. Thinking that God “owes” me anything is arrogant blasphemy. I was born into privilege and prosperity. I am surrounded by people that love me. I am blessed with abundant material possessions. The body and mind I was provided with is incredible.
Praise God for all my blessings including my current situation. I pray that I learn from it. I pray that God uses me for His glory.

"...count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

"...he is a chosen vessel of Mine to bear My name before Gentiles, kings, and the children of Israel. For I will show him how many things he must suffer for My name’s sake.” Acts 9:14-16
(talking about Paul)

... that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Php 3:8-1011 (Paul talking)

"So they departed from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for His name." Acts 5:41

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13


Monday, December 23, 2013

Happy happy joy joy

Sometimes I think this blog is nothing but me complaining about life when life is AWESOME. I woke up…quit whining. Counting my blessings is a good exercise. During the weekend I was able to work in the yard because it was in the 70s…in December! My good friend came over and helped me clear some trees…it is great to have friends. We had a few beers. Beer is good.
We called another comrade and caught up. He has changed careers and is very excited. It is great to have friends, especially enthusiastic adventuresome people. I was able to spend time at the club sharing my knowledge. It is cool to be able to share the joy of aviation with others even if only on the ground. My dog came with me. I wish I was the person my dog thinks I am.
My wife still puts up with me. I am completely blessed with a beautiful God fearing woman who loves me. Words can not express the depth of my love.
I was able to see my son this week. He brightens my day and inspires me. During the week we had dinner with my lovely daughter. She helped lead me to Christ. We are preparing to celebrate Christmas which is an amazing concept. The God of the universe loves us so much that he came to earth on a rescue mission.
I have an awesome life. Thank all of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0V4TZAyd8I

Mental Toughness


I am weak. God is strong. He is building me up mentally, physically and spiritually. One aspect is mental toughness. Giving up is not an option. Understanding that trying to sustain the fight on my own is not the way either. Relying on God to lift me up when I fall is the way. Methods vary and here is the one I am using.

Goal setting – Goal setting can be long term (learning a skill, attaining a degree) or short term (I am going to make it to breakfast…I am going to make it another ten seconds) the important thing is to give your mind a target. You should reward yourself when you achieve your goals. One of the bigger challenges is to be able to re-engage if/when you do NOT make the goal. I want to return to aerobatics, flight instruction and motorcycling. Intermediate goals include being as healthy as possible for my January appointment. I have NO control over the results of the scan but I want to return to flight status as soon as I can if/when the results are positive. Be an example of serenity to others by allowing peace to flow through me.

Mental Rehearsal – visualize as vividly as you can. I see myself as cancer-free and strong. I can feel the strength flowing though my veins. I see/feel health enter with each inhale with pain and sickness exiting my body with each exhale. When things are tough become aware of being alive. Focus on each breath. Recognize and acknowledge sensations.

Self talk – We all think and talk to ourselves. Try to control the process and make the voices in our head say good things. This could be verbalized or internal…positive coaching…prayer works great here. I do not have an elaborate prayer but say “God, help me, strengthen me and let me do your will”


Arousal control – Do NOT get too wrapped around the axle about anything. Remember life is temporary and transitory. Control your breathing, specifically long slow exhales…

The goal in retraining the brain is NOT to make the pain go away but to stop resisting. Set a goal for something you wish to do that the pain is holding you back. Look for small steps. Identify pain triggers. Feel and name emotions. Count your blessings.

This method works but requires concentrated effort. When I let my guard down it can seem overwhelming. Everyday I am getting better. Some days I work my body too hard and I pay the price especially the next day. Details: the left shoulder is still adjusting to muscular weakness and structural misalignment lots of pain with movement especially above the chest, the remaining neck muscles on the left side are crazy stiff and painful because they are compensating for the loss of the other muscles, throat pain is present as the irradiated tissues heal, and neuropathic pain in hands and feet is still a constant challenge. I thank God for my friends and family especially my wife. Thank y’all for all the support.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Depression is anger without enthusiasm

I am generally enthusiastic but constant pain and frustration at my weakness is challenging me. Depression and ultimately suicide are common by-products of chronic pain. Learning how to channel the energy from this experience is teaching me patience and gratitude. It is easy to allow the situation to overwhelm me but God made me stubborn. I tend to get pissed off when I start to feel sorry for myself. That is not a positive emotion either. I was an angry young man and I hurt a lot of people because of misdirected rage. Bruce Banner says “You would not like me when I am angry.” Duh, angry people are not much fun unless you are in a position where they can not hurt you…then it can be entertaining to stoke the fire. Truly the saying “hurt people hurt people” resonates in my life. When I was a young jerk the emotional hurt was my excuse to act like an ass. Later as I became an old jerk I realized it was not an act. Thank God He came into my life and changed my cold black stone heart into one of flesh. Empathy becomes one of the new emotional muscles.
Counting my blessings refocuses me. I have an awesome life. My wife and children are gifts that I do not deserve. My friends and family bring joy into my life. I have material possessions that are so bountiful my garage overflows. The physical challenges that I face pale in comparison to many of my brothers. I am alive, quit whining and get to work. I need to recall that my “job” right now is to recover. Becoming aggravated at the speed serves no purpose. Thank all of y’all for your help. Venting these thoughts is cathartic for me and maybe will help others in similar circumstances.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Neuroplasticity

I am working on re-training my mind to ignore the non-injury pain. It is an interesting process. The neuropathy probably comes from the heavy metal based chemotherapy drugs. The nerves have been damaged and fire seemingly randomly. I have been using a combination of deep breathing, meditation, prayer and exercise to refocus my mind away from the pain perception. The idea that pain is all in the mind is not new but recent research points to our ability to adapt our mind to rewire our brain.
One of my challenges is that the career of special operations paratrooper came with a list of injuries mainly to my joints and skeletal structure. The damage caused by surgery, radiation and chemotherapy is also valid. These sensations may be real but need not be debilitating. I am learning how to accept the sensations but not attach meaning. Into each life a certain amount of pain is present. “Pain is weakness leaving the body” is one kind of pain. Pain can be instructive as in the lesson of the hot pot on the stove. God is using this trail in my life to teach me to trust Him completely.
I am very thankful for the support and encouragement of my friends and family. My lovely bride continues to amaze me.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2933650/

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Latest from the Radiologist

Today we saw the radiologist for a follow up. He stuck the camera down my nose until he could see my throat. No sign of cancer! We talked about drugs and pain management. They are not as scared of the pain medication as I am. They suggested that occasional use to sleep is not the evil path to addiction that I suspect. They had an interesting point of view that not all patients report withdrawal symptoms and many people are dosing with heavier drugs. The scary documentaries about “hillbilly heroin” I watched the addicts were using 80 mg pills and mine were 5 mg. That only means I am a cheap date…or I have a low tolerance for that type of drug. They said beer is not bad; used in moderation it may help me sleep and will add to my weight. I know myself and I need to be careful with alcohol, I am a retired semi-pro. When I was young and idiotic I drank to stupor often. It was what young GIs did in the day. I think I had fun but I can’t remember much…’cus I was drunk. A DUI cured me. I quit drinking completely for four years. I allow myself to drink socially since it is an accepted way for people to bond. https://tinyurl.com/cjus6q

Pain is not fun but it was put into perspective today; I saw a blind man, a beggar, and a person with no legs. It sounds like the opening line to a joke but it is reality. God often points out things. Count your blessings and enjoy the time you have by serving others. I am doing great and getting stronger everyday. It will take time to heal to the point that I can work a whole day and/or be mentally sharp enough to fly or ride motorcycles. Patience is a virtue and I am human so I am working on that. Thanks to all of my friends and family for the prayers, calls, letters and practical support. My lovely bride continues to inspire me to be a better man. We start official supervised physical therapy next week that should help the healing process.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Thanksgiving

This year’s Thanksgiving was sweeter than ever. God has blessed me with life and I don’t take that for granted. My lovely bride and I went to eat at our beautiful daughter’s house. We had the traditional fixings and feasted with our modern family. We had not seen the little ones since Easter. The doctor recommended limiting my exposure to illness due to suppressed immune system function. I love playing “papaw.” We are abundantly provided with material treasures and that is incredibly wonderful but great wealth is provided by the people God put in our lives.