Confession, conversion, confirmation

WARNING: Contains religious and/or political beliefs. I do not wish to force anyone to endure my views. Opinions are like gastrointestinal orifices, everyone has one…not everyone want to share/see/hear yours. I do not have your answers. That is between you and God. I can relay my experience and if it is useful to you that the intention. If you are offended no one forced you to read it.



Am I really a Christian? If and when? Does anything I say, do or think provide evidence? What does that mean?




Yes I am a Christian. Praise Jesus, my savior! I have been able to spend more time in prayer and studying the word since March here are some reflections.

Going to church does not make you a Christian or going a mosque makes you a Muslim than being found in a garage makes you a car. Reading the Holy Word of God does not make you Holy. Studying will probably change you.

My grandmother gave me a bible when I was a child and I have a note in it indicating the date of my baptism. I was thirteen years old. I am sure I was sincere but I am not sure of much else. I do not think the “Sinner’s prayer” has magical power…but, I am an idiot.

Over the next several decades I did not act like Christ which makes me doubt my salvation. I certainly was not a “good” Christian. If you asked anyone who knew me if I was a Christian they would laugh. I was chasing the pleasures of the world. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll…sex and danger…fame and fortune…material possessions and the admiration of others. My mother and father tried to lead me to the water but could not make me drink. My pop tried to instill a good moral foundation. As with most young people I thought I was much smarter than everyone else.

The air force experience exposed me to the best and worst of mankind. My God smiled upon me and blessed me with a loving wife and healthy children. I know I was a jerk to many people. It especially shames me how I treated other Christians. The bible thumping hypocrite was often my specific target. That is not/never was my job as a follower of Christ. I was rebelling against everything so when someone would bust me on my favorite sin I would just retort at least I don’t (their favorite sin). When I should have thanked them and examined the observation, comment or insult and determine if I could learn from it.
Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

During my DUI drama in the early 1990s I did not cling to God but tried to work it out on my own strength. I know my wife was/is praying for me. Just another reason I thank God for her. I read many books to help me, one of which was “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” I highly recommend it. Developing a personal mission statement is an exercise that clarifies many things in your life…nice for a military minded individual…does this action support the mission?
Here is my mission statement:
Increase beauty and happiness, decrease fear and ignorance by exemplary conduct. Be a pillar in times of crisis. I seek balance and want to make logic-based morally just decisions. Wisdom, integrity, and happiness are what I want.

I have revised it a few times but the substance remains the same. After I re-read the seven habits and work out the mental exercises therein I will edit. As a tool for living it can help if you put it in a place where you read it often. Once it is in your heart then it helps guide you. The additional line I think it needs is: “Help me Lord, so that my thoughts and actions bring glory to Your name.”

My wife is Catholic and I was a hedonist in practice, Baptist in brand. We used that as an excuse to avoid going to church…or raising our children with any reference to God. Following the flow of culture we reaped the consequences. One day my lovely daughter asked “why don’t we go to church?” I tried the Catholic/Baptist argument. Children can see through weak lies and bust you hard. So we went church shopping…Kadena AB, Japan had lots of choices. This is where God started working hard on me.

One of the sermon series was by some “expert” from stateside that would “prove” the existence of God. It did not convince me, as an argument, of the existence of God but the need for faith. God is like a lion…He does not need much defense, just let him out of the cage that my tiny mind tries to contain Him in. As a skydiver, scuba diver, and pilot I know God…He scares me.

Psalm 19:1-2 The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
2 Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.

I began reading the Bible and thinking about it. Exposure to other religions as practiced in Japan, Thailand, Korea and Indonesia helped me compare and test how well they flowed through me. If the standard was good actions of the practitioners it is hard to fault the “good guys”…as far as evil in the name of religion no one has a corner on that market including those who claim atheism.

As I carefully examined my own soul I did not find a bright little diamond waiting to be polished. My heart is black, cold, selfish, and hard…maybe that is the diamond part. I had a friend who had a black heart tattoo and I commented on how I liked Joan Jett also. He explained how the Germans in WWII described the US paratrooper as “black hearted devils in baggy pants.” Christianity does not claim that we are inherently good…this resonates with me. Once I focused on accepting Jesus as my Lord something changed…it is like a transplanted heart. Stuff that did not matter before began to come to the forefront. Thoughts that were normal began to seem nasty. I care if my thoughts are pleasing to God. How should I be thinking about that person?

The jerk that cuts you off in traffic is not necessarily a jerk. They deserve my forgiveness…free and complete. That is a child of God, made in His image.

My favorite sins are not as much fun once I started to see them like I imagine God sees them.
Proverbs 26:11
Like a dog that returns to his vomit
is a fool who repeats his folly.

I still sin. I hate it but I am not going to give up on trying. The transformation from who I am to who God is molding me into is a process.

Christina professed Jesus and was baptized in the South China Sea. We soon moved to North Carolina. We searched for a church. It was fun to experience different flavors of worship. Stoic almost silent reverence for God contrasts with the loud emotional buoyant Gospel style. We found a good church with sincere worship. I definitely did not have much in common with my fellow church members. Not a bad thing but I feel like I scare people if I truly speak of my sins.

I was living a challenging period at work. I was able to visit my Dad on the way to San Antonio; he gave me a “study Bible” and advised me to start by reading and studying proverbs every day. This helped in many ways. The immediate help included adding perspective to the recent suicide of one of my friends. Ride my motorcycle, stop and study…ride, pray and sing…repeat as needed. Fortunately Texas is big.

Retirement from the USAF was the next big change. I was able to home school my son. We added devotional studies to other non academic subjects. Learning the laws of the garden by raising our food is reinforced by the truth of the Bible. I hope it serves him well. He is smarter than I…but I am an idiot.

I was able to feed my family as a flight instructor, college instructor and motorcycle instructor. God has allowed me to love my trade and given me success far beyond any of my effort.

One day my buddy invited me to a bike (motorcycle) ride to raise money for his church building fund. You put a sticker on the center of your headlamp and prizes were based on the most number of bugs/closest to the center. It was fun. The band was rock and roll; the people were weird like me. They gave out door prizes like tattoos.

It took me a while to actually go to church and longer to attend a service. I feel like I am with my brothers. As I began to attend and research the sermons I was glad they had several layers. For seekers and new believers: milk…I am starting to see the meat.

An example of simple truth “there is a God…you ain’t him.” For an egotistical control freak this is a big step. One of the beauties of Christianity is that God knows your heart…and the condition of you heart is how God measures you. I attacked the hypocrites because that is my biggest shame. Another big truth I hate to admit…it is not all about me…

One of the biggest truths about people I have discovered is that if you worry about what people think you overestimate them…because most people don’t think much. We are often so caught up in our own little drama worrying about stuff…

Does anything I say, do or think provide evidence that I am a Christian?

I am not sure. I know there is nothing I can DO that will earn my salvation…nothing! To brag about some little tiny thing would be ludicrous. To stack all of my good against all my bad does not bode well for me. I just started paying attention a little while ago. It is trippy to think of what a “good Christian” means. The common idea is how nice, how many good deeds or how well do they comply with all the “thou shall nots” do they dance, drink or curse…you could say that is just a “good” person… Using this definition many of the best “Christians” I know are Buddhist, Moslem, Hindu or (gasp) Atheist.

As I understand it if I confess the Lord Jesus Christ to be my savoir and ask him for forgiveness then I am forgiven. It sounds too good to be true. The more and deeper you study it the Bible the more complex it becomes. One of the things we are called to do is forgive others.

About two or three years ago I began to read the Bible. I would read one Old Testament chapter, one New Testament and the proverb of the day. It continued to change me…I also began to read classics from C.S. Lewis and others. I began to watch sermons on youtube Francis Chan, Mark Driscoll and others. I felt like a kid that just discovered Led Zeppelin…I wanted to tell everyone…some times they responded “oh, those guys just ripped off Muddy Waters.” Many people have been de-churched. Exposed to a weak understanding of the Gospel and tired of religiously going through the motions.

If you are not excited about the good news of Jesus Christ you probably don’t understand it…or maybe you do not believe it. The hurdle of faith remains. It is OK to have doubts and feel uncertain of your salvation. Saint Thomas is an example from the Bible. Following Jesus is hard…getting together with other believers and worshiping God is part of following. This will be a challenge because other humans will be there. They are at least as messed up as you and me…it will give you a chance to practice forgiveness and to be non-judgmentally.

For the next few years I studied and tried to become the man God wants me to become. At the beginning of this year I started to try to memorize scripture.
Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7 Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.
This was the first, I did not know I had cancer…but I was being prepared for the journey. The next two were also put in my quiver prior to my knowledge of cancer.

1 John 4:19-21 ESV
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.


(Matthew 22:37-39 ESV)
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
I have enjoyed writing this entry. I am very excited to learn about God and pray that I can help other people. I don’t know much but I was once blind and now I see (dimly) I was deaf but now I hear. It is amazing to me that I thought you had to be “good” to become a Christian…all the times the Gospel was preached to me and I missed the good news. Almost like Groucho said, “I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member." Funny but scary also…I am not in a hurry to handle snakes or associate myself with Jim Baker and Tammy Faye…but as a Christian I should concentrate on my relationship with God and his children. I am sometimes distressed that I don’t have a cool “I saw the light” moment or “feel the spirit” like many believers experience…but I understand that God made us unique and my experiences are my own. All the years of training myself to ignore the spiritual dulled that part of me. I think that if you, for example, went to the Devil’s tromping ground and were open to the spirits your experience would likely be much different than someone who actively denies the supernatural. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil's_Tramping_Ground
I know that my inner dialogue has changed…I am still an idiot and a sinner but now my thoughts as well as my actions concern me. I can see how easy it would be to become like a Pharisee and brag how well I keep the seventh or eighth commandment and ignore what a braggart I am…That is if I could brag on keeping any of the commandments.
If you wish to talk about any of these deep subjects I am open. If you do not then you probably did not read this far anyway.

Red eyes and spinning out of control

When I was in the Air Force we went winter warfare training in Stowe, Vermont. It was a lot of fun to learn how to use an altimeter to better pinpoint our location on the mountain…this was before GPS. I am not a cold weather enthusiast but skiing was fun. We were able to have one day of downhill fun and then learned how to travel using these Army issued planks painted white…At the conclusion of the trip we parachuted back in to Fort Bragg. We had been recently issued new rucksacks for winter operations. A few of us decided to test jump our new rucksacks…I learned a lot and thank God I survived that lesson.

The rucksack is secured to your body in the front and in free fall it rides between your legs. The shoulder straps go around your legs and can stabilize the equipment as you fall. These rucksacks were taller than the old ones. I was quite surprised when I found myself spinning rapidly immediately after exit. One of the shoulder straps was above one knee and the other shoulder strap was the below the other knee. This forced the rucksack to sit at an angle to my body and made the equipment/Ronney mixture into an unbalanced propeller. My plan immediately became let me grab my feet and I could fall butt to earth. Unfortunately I was spinning so fast I could not reach my feet…I was starting to “red out.” I was able to reach the equipment release and pull it. Almost immediately the rucksack was on a taunt 15 foot lowering line. Ronney rucksack Ronney rucksack went the not-so-merry-go round. I was able to release the lowering line and launch my newly issued rucksack full of winter warmies and stuff into the night air. As far as I know no one was hit by my equipment…Thank God.
The rest of the jump went well. I was immediately stable and landed at the PI. The bosses were upset that I lost my equipment and made me fill out a “report of survey.” I was honest when I wrote “during the ensuing spatial disorientation I lost visual contact with my equipment.” Thank God my weapons were properly secured or we might still be out at the drop zone searching. Over the next few days I discovered how close I came to death. Many of the blood vessels in my eyes burst giving me the most heinous “red eye.” People would let me go to the front of the line at the quick stop once they looked at me…I guess I looked as insane as I really am. The soles of my feet and finger nail beds all showed signs of bruising.
I learned a few lessons that day. One lesson is to add risk factors incrementally rather than all at once. Night freefall is NOT the place to add new equipment. Perhaps a day static line jump, then a night static line jump, then day freefall then night freefall would be a better way to test the new gear. I also learned which teammates were Monday morning quarterbacks and who were not. I had previously learned not to advertise to my wife the dangers of work unless she asked. “How was work?” is a question that can be answered in ways that unnecessarily alarm your loved one. “Work was interesting, I learned a lot. I love you, how was your day?”

Latest word from the Doctor

Monday we went to visit the doctor. Good news is that we seem to have turned the corner on the recovery process. It has been several days since I had trouble keeping food down. That is a great relief both physically and mentally. The pain still dominates enough to warrant medication; I hope to be drug free sooner rather than later but I understand that being able to rest will heal me faster than “toughing it out.” As long as I have to take the pain medications I can not drive or fly. Things still taste strange but, my appetite is returning. My weight seems to have stabilized; now I have to add muscle back. I have several more follow-up appointments to monitor my progress over the next few months. They have to let a little time go before we do a CT scan and declare “no sign of cancer” because if there is cancer present it is microscopic and will take a while to grow big enough to detect. Thank God for all my blessings especially my friends and family. My lovely wife is feeding me good home cooking and encouraging me in my efforts to gain strength.

Special Ops Pop

My parents were divorced when I was young. I can not recall my father or step-father ever speaking ill of each other. This alone speaks volumes of their character. My step father, Hank, really truly loved my mom. He did not have to accept me as his responsibility but he did…I know he loved me. He raised me like his own. I Love my dad but I was trained by my pop. The unfortunate reality of visitation agreements is that the second party has severely limited opportunities.
Hank helped me form my identity. His father was a colonel in the Air Corps; Hank was an electronic counter measures technician during the missile race. I proudly served in the USAF. I am sure Hank was not trying to prepare me for a special operations career but he did. Hank was playful and had a vivid imagination. We used to play a game when I was about seven years old.
He would trap me under the bean bag chair. I was immobilized for all practical purposes. Then he would tell the scenario. I was a cowboy and had been captured by the Indians. They tied me to a cactus and were torturing me for information. The interrogation took a turn for the worse when they made a rattle snake bite me. I could feel the poison spread from the wound site. “You must control your heart rate.” I am sure that child protective services would frown on this game but it did provide me with mental skills that serve me well.
Later I discovered fire and Hank had to effectively channel my pyromania before I caught the house or myself on fire again. Another story for another day…

Last blast of Radiation

Thank God I received the 33rd dose of radiation completing my radiotherapy last Wednesday. This has been tough but, now I am in the recovery phase. Gagging, nausea and fatigue are still present but fading. As my ability to taste food and keep it down increase I will be able to gain some weight and strength. Thank y'all for all the help, good thoughts and prayer.

Last Week of Radiation

It has been a long road, next week is my last week of radiation. I look forward to recovery. I continue to be amazed my God's grace. My wonderful wife dotes on me. Thank all of you for all the help and prayers. I am sorry I don't have a bunch of jokes.

Week 6 radiation and characters I play

We continue to be blessed. We completed radiation treatment number 25 and have eight remaining. We have good days and better days. The nausea continues to challenge nutrition. But my lovely wife is a wonderful cook and is engaged in that battle. Thanks to all my friends and family for the great help, well wishes, and reverent prayers.

Since I get radiation Monday through Friday my role right now is that it of a 7-Eleven burrito. They wrap me up, put me in and cook me until I go 'ding'. They have to be very patient to do 33 treatments. That way there aren't any frozen burrito parts right next to the boiling hot parts.

During the chemotherapy at the beginning of this journey but it made me sensitive to light I was a vampire. I think of Nosferatu. When I put the Eucerin on to protect my skin I was more of a clown/mime.



The drugged shuffle is always reminds me of zombies. During the peak of the chemo when the scabs from the rash were falling off I, indeed, felt like a zombie. Of course Rob Zombie Dragula comes to mind. But being short I don't think I could pull off a Rob Zombie.

After the operation the scar in the neck could fit into zombie motif or pirate mode. I am not Captain Jack Sparrow, maybe “Midget the bald.”

With the feeding tube my wife says it looks like iron man. She sees the hero in me despite the circumstances.

She is one of my greatest blessings.