I am bummed I missed the great airplane relocation. Thanks to wonderful friends and family the first week of radiation went well. The protocol is chemo (cisplatin) on Monday and radiation Monday through Friday. The familiar negative side effects of chemo are returning but, it is not unknown and my lovely bride is on top of me to manage the symptoms. The radiation is painless during application with the main side effect of fatigue. As time passes the effects of both chemo and radiation will be cumulative. I have met many people undergoing the same experience and that is helpful. “Misery loves company” is a saying that rings true. I do not wish ill upon my fellow cancernauts but, it is reassuring to see people in front of me dealing with the same trails. Some are happy to share advice. I try to provide encouragement to people around me especially the ones that are starting. It is scary and assurance is almost always welcome.
God continues to bless us. Thank you for lifting us up in prayer. Thank you for all the practical help and encouraging words.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Tobacco and Cancer
Tobacco and Cancer
I started chewing tobacco when I was young. I first tried it when I was about 7 or 8. This was typical behavior in rural Louisiana during the 1970s. We would buy different types of chewing tobacco: Days Work, Cannonball, Red Man and others and go fishing. As I reached puberty I was addicted.
I chewed tobacco and occasionally smoked cigarettes until I joined the air force.
It seemed everyone smoked. When we went on break the sergeant said “Smoke'em if you got them.” The dudes smoking could go the shade and smoke while the rest of us could hang out on the asphalt drill pad in the Texas sun. It was amazing how many folks “just ran out and needed to bum a smoke.”
I am not saying that smoking and dipping tobacco caused my cancer or made it more aggressive but I would not recommend tobacco to anyone. I finally quit in 2007. I used the resources on this website http://killthecan.org/ to “post roll” and declare that I would not use tobacco today. It has worked…one day at a time. Here is something I wrote Christmas 2007.
Tobacco Free
Like most fools I started experimenting when I was young…seven or eight. By the time I was thirteen I was addicted. Smoking, toking, drinking, chewing, were all part of partying…I was cool. This is fun and we’re having it. Time marches on. “Live fast, die young” is a nifty saying for a teenage skater punk but loses its appeal when your buddies actually die. My selfish life was going OK until I fell in Love and got married.
Married with children is a punch line for some but I find it extremely rewarding. Not much use for partying when people are counting on you. I was a USAF Combat Controller and tobacco fit the lifestyle. Dipping more and smoking less because it’s hard to smoke while parachuting, scuba diving, riding motorcycles, or on patrol.
Like most tobacco junkies I quit a few times. “Nobody likes a quitter.” There are always weak excuses to start again. “The Scud missiles are landing around us.” Each time you quit and fail the hooks are deeper. After retirement I contemplated quitting but “junkie talk” kept me from following through. After you graduate, after you get your CFI, after the New Year, the can kept getting kicked down the road. (Pun intended) One of the most troubling things about surviving is that you get old. There I was forty two and still running around like an idiot with a turd in my lip and a circle in my back pocket. How long before it wears a hole in your lip? How long before your son is bumming a dip? You’re not cool…just a junky.
I don’t know why I decided to quit. I am glad I found the support sites on the internet. Posting roll is useful to me. I don’t even know Rocky but I knew he was enduring the same type of pain and dealing with it. I post roll and take one day at a time. The web resources are great. I learned how tobacco hooks work, chemically, psychologically and how some people dealt with it. I heard the desire goes away after forty or fifty years…ha ha…but I also learned that the triggers only last a few moments. I am learning how to live without tobacco and everyday I get stronger. Thanks for all your help. I won’t use tobacco today. Lord willing I’ll see you tomorrow.
Lurkers and potential quitters rest assured if I can do it so can you.
(I wrote this on Christmas what a great gift.)
25 December 2007
I think you should be able to smoke. I think bars should be able to have people smoke. If my memory serves me correct many patrons are not seeking a healthy activity when bar hopping. Sex with a stranger seems to be the guarantee in every beer commercial.
I started chewing tobacco when I was young. I first tried it when I was about 7 or 8. This was typical behavior in rural Louisiana during the 1970s. We would buy different types of chewing tobacco: Days Work, Cannonball, Red Man and others and go fishing. As I reached puberty I was addicted.
I chewed tobacco and occasionally smoked cigarettes until I joined the air force.
It seemed everyone smoked. When we went on break the sergeant said “Smoke'em if you got them.” The dudes smoking could go the shade and smoke while the rest of us could hang out on the asphalt drill pad in the Texas sun. It was amazing how many folks “just ran out and needed to bum a smoke.”
I am not saying that smoking and dipping tobacco caused my cancer or made it more aggressive but I would not recommend tobacco to anyone. I finally quit in 2007. I used the resources on this website http://killthecan.org/ to “post roll” and declare that I would not use tobacco today. It has worked…one day at a time. Here is something I wrote Christmas 2007.
Tobacco Free
Like most fools I started experimenting when I was young…seven or eight. By the time I was thirteen I was addicted. Smoking, toking, drinking, chewing, were all part of partying…I was cool. This is fun and we’re having it. Time marches on. “Live fast, die young” is a nifty saying for a teenage skater punk but loses its appeal when your buddies actually die. My selfish life was going OK until I fell in Love and got married.
Married with children is a punch line for some but I find it extremely rewarding. Not much use for partying when people are counting on you. I was a USAF Combat Controller and tobacco fit the lifestyle. Dipping more and smoking less because it’s hard to smoke while parachuting, scuba diving, riding motorcycles, or on patrol.
Like most tobacco junkies I quit a few times. “Nobody likes a quitter.” There are always weak excuses to start again. “The Scud missiles are landing around us.” Each time you quit and fail the hooks are deeper. After retirement I contemplated quitting but “junkie talk” kept me from following through. After you graduate, after you get your CFI, after the New Year, the can kept getting kicked down the road. (Pun intended) One of the most troubling things about surviving is that you get old. There I was forty two and still running around like an idiot with a turd in my lip and a circle in my back pocket. How long before it wears a hole in your lip? How long before your son is bumming a dip? You’re not cool…just a junky.
I don’t know why I decided to quit. I am glad I found the support sites on the internet. Posting roll is useful to me. I don’t even know Rocky but I knew he was enduring the same type of pain and dealing with it. I post roll and take one day at a time. The web resources are great. I learned how tobacco hooks work, chemically, psychologically and how some people dealt with it. I heard the desire goes away after forty or fifty years…ha ha…but I also learned that the triggers only last a few moments. I am learning how to live without tobacco and everyday I get stronger. Thanks for all your help. I won’t use tobacco today. Lord willing I’ll see you tomorrow.
Lurkers and potential quitters rest assured if I can do it so can you.
(I wrote this on Christmas what a great gift.)
25 December 2007
I think you should be able to smoke. I think bars should be able to have people smoke. If my memory serves me correct many patrons are not seeking a healthy activity when bar hopping. Sex with a stranger seems to be the guarantee in every beer commercial.
Friday, August 23, 2013
The lighter side
One of my students gave me a hard time about my dad jokes. I got a million of them, none of them good.
I have and will continue to use humor when teaching. The jokes don't have to be funny a smirk or a groan about how awful the joke was signals that people are conscious. This is more important when teaching people how to fly than classroom instruction.
There was an NCO in a field when all of a sudden a balloon came out of the cloud.
The pilot hollered “Hey you! Where Am I?”
The NCO answered “You are 14 feet above the ground in a basket under a balloon.”
The pilot grumbled “What you have told me is technically correct but does me no good. You must be an NCO.”
The NCO answered “”yes I am and you must be an officer.”
“Why would you say that?” the pilot asked.
“Because you were lost before you met me, you are still lost but, somehow now its my fault.” The NCO answered.
I am very proud of my half-brother who graduated from West Point.
I have and will continue to use humor when teaching. The jokes don't have to be funny a smirk or a groan about how awful the joke was signals that people are conscious. This is more important when teaching people how to fly than classroom instruction.
There was an NCO in a field when all of a sudden a balloon came out of the cloud.
The pilot hollered “Hey you! Where Am I?”
The NCO answered “You are 14 feet above the ground in a basket under a balloon.”
The pilot grumbled “What you have told me is technically correct but does me no good. You must be an NCO.”
The NCO answered “”yes I am and you must be an officer.”
“Why would you say that?” the pilot asked.
“Because you were lost before you met me, you are still lost but, somehow now its my fault.” The NCO answered.
I am very proud of my half-brother who graduated from West Point.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Suicide
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Disclaimer: This is not a plea for help or cry for attention. I've got plenty of positive attention and an outstanding support network. Thank you all very much. When I started this blog I said I wanted to, if possible, help people in similar situations. I am proud of my son and his choice to be a mental health specialist in the National Guard. I don't have answers to all questions but I can tell you how I deal with things. In a different lifetime many years ago I would tie a knot in the string on the back of my beret in memory of my fallen comrades. I quit tying knots when I reached number 21. Some died in battle and are revered heroes, some of them died by their own hand. From the memorial website: “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
I am still angry with them. I wish they had called and asked for help. I am still angry with myself; I wish I'd known to ask them if they needed help.
Once when I was feeling down and my brother (from another mother) was there for me. I had recently run my truck into the back of a North Charleston police car and was arrested for DUI. My truck and the police car were totaled. My military career was damaged and perhaps over…my wife was not happy.
Walt offered to take me to lunch. As we went out the gate he said “Ronney you're no good piece of junk.” I thanked him for trying to cheer me up. Walt used his brutal candor and southern humor to drive home the point that I had nothing to feel sorry about. Even if I lost my job my marriage and was naked outside the front gate I could still survive. I should use my talents to help those less fortunate than I. Because of that conversation I helped Laubach literacy teach people how to read. This was not mandated work by the court, the Air Force, or anyone else. This was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done.
There are so many gifts that I take for granted. Once I started counting my blessings I found it hard to feel sorry for myself. When I started sharing my blessings I found myself in alignment. God is teaching me lessons through this human experience. I don't think the lessons end with death.
Why this subject why now?
Head and neck cancer patients report depression at a rate 40 percent higher than other cancers. We are carefully watching for signs and symptoms. The side effects of nuerotin included an increased risk of suicide. I think of suicide as the end result of unmanaged depression.
A few weeks ago when I was taking a shower and parts of me were falling off and clogging up the drain I better understood why many cancer patients would feel depressed. Changes in physical appearance and abilities are humbling. The change from running races and competing in aerobatic contests to needing a wheelchair happened so fast it is hard to comprehend. If my self-worth and self identity were tied tightly to my appearance or abilities I would certainly be devastated.
I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends and family that love and support me. I am overwhelmed daily at the presence of God my life. Not that I haven't felt lonely at times, but not alone. I have been without company in many desolate places without many distractions. I believe in God because I experience him through his creation every day.
When I was young I mocked religious people out of arrogance and ignorance. I had never explored any of the claims or their doctrine. One day I finally heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God loves us. He is holy and just. I am NOT here to necessarily promote religion. The religious people hung Jesus on a cross. On the other hand there are millions of devoutly religious people who are sincerely trying to serve God and I do not want to disparage them in any way.
God wants us to love each other he wants us to be holy and just. Thank God he is merciful because we are not holy or just and we don't love our neighbor like we should. My lovely help mate and best friend said “I am too scared of God to commit suicide.”
Here is how I deal with it: I pray to God. I seek and accept help from friends, family, counselors, clergy, and psychologists/psychiatrists. I understand that I am a tiny speck in the universe and we all feel helpless at times. I fight for and savor every breath of the life I have been given. I try not to take my self too seriously.
I sincerely hope that this may be of some use to people in need. Asking for help is a sign of strength. Giving help is one of the most satisfying actions I have ever experienced. If you or someone you know is feeling depressed get help.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Disclaimer: This is not a plea for help or cry for attention. I've got plenty of positive attention and an outstanding support network. Thank you all very much. When I started this blog I said I wanted to, if possible, help people in similar situations. I am proud of my son and his choice to be a mental health specialist in the National Guard. I don't have answers to all questions but I can tell you how I deal with things. In a different lifetime many years ago I would tie a knot in the string on the back of my beret in memory of my fallen comrades. I quit tying knots when I reached number 21. Some died in battle and are revered heroes, some of them died by their own hand. From the memorial website: “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
I am still angry with them. I wish they had called and asked for help. I am still angry with myself; I wish I'd known to ask them if they needed help.
Once when I was feeling down and my brother (from another mother) was there for me. I had recently run my truck into the back of a North Charleston police car and was arrested for DUI. My truck and the police car were totaled. My military career was damaged and perhaps over…my wife was not happy.
Walt offered to take me to lunch. As we went out the gate he said “Ronney you're no good piece of junk.” I thanked him for trying to cheer me up. Walt used his brutal candor and southern humor to drive home the point that I had nothing to feel sorry about. Even if I lost my job my marriage and was naked outside the front gate I could still survive. I should use my talents to help those less fortunate than I. Because of that conversation I helped Laubach literacy teach people how to read. This was not mandated work by the court, the Air Force, or anyone else. This was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done.
There are so many gifts that I take for granted. Once I started counting my blessings I found it hard to feel sorry for myself. When I started sharing my blessings I found myself in alignment. God is teaching me lessons through this human experience. I don't think the lessons end with death.
Why this subject why now?
Head and neck cancer patients report depression at a rate 40 percent higher than other cancers. We are carefully watching for signs and symptoms. The side effects of nuerotin included an increased risk of suicide. I think of suicide as the end result of unmanaged depression.
A few weeks ago when I was taking a shower and parts of me were falling off and clogging up the drain I better understood why many cancer patients would feel depressed. Changes in physical appearance and abilities are humbling. The change from running races and competing in aerobatic contests to needing a wheelchair happened so fast it is hard to comprehend. If my self-worth and self identity were tied tightly to my appearance or abilities I would certainly be devastated.
I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends and family that love and support me. I am overwhelmed daily at the presence of God my life. Not that I haven't felt lonely at times, but not alone. I have been without company in many desolate places without many distractions. I believe in God because I experience him through his creation every day.
When I was young I mocked religious people out of arrogance and ignorance. I had never explored any of the claims or their doctrine. One day I finally heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God loves us. He is holy and just. I am NOT here to necessarily promote religion. The religious people hung Jesus on a cross. On the other hand there are millions of devoutly religious people who are sincerely trying to serve God and I do not want to disparage them in any way.
God wants us to love each other he wants us to be holy and just. Thank God he is merciful because we are not holy or just and we don't love our neighbor like we should. My lovely help mate and best friend said “I am too scared of God to commit suicide.”
Here is how I deal with it: I pray to God. I seek and accept help from friends, family, counselors, clergy, and psychologists/psychiatrists. I understand that I am a tiny speck in the universe and we all feel helpless at times. I fight for and savor every breath of the life I have been given. I try not to take my self too seriously.
I sincerely hope that this may be of some use to people in need. Asking for help is a sign of strength. Giving help is one of the most satisfying actions I have ever experienced. If you or someone you know is feeling depressed get help.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Radiation
The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news.
You get free parking.
The biopsy results show that the tumors had live cancer cells present. They are cruising around in my neck looking for a place to grow. Towards the end of the month I will begin radiation treatment for 6 weeks.
Perspective…I am alive and blessed with awesome friends and family. The day I was at the hospital was my son’s birthday and the two year anniversary of one of my comrade’s death. I am inspired to fight. I am at peace in Christ. I pray I will recover fully but also recognize that I am in His hands and each sweet second of life is a gift. The treatment I am going to start is the standard of care that has a very successful track record.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Radical neck dissection
Monday they operated on my throat and neck and removed the remains of the tumor(s). The lower neck mass, aka limpoolio, was wrapped around a lot of the underline structures some of which required removal. In addition to the tumors they removed (part of) my sternocleidomastoid muscle, internal jugular vein, and cranial nerve 11. They also took a sample where the original tonsil/tumor was to make sure that no traces of cancer remain. The biopsy results will determine our next course of action. Best case scenario: physical therapy to deal with the deficits of missing muscles, veins and nerves. Worst case scenario: radiation and chemotherapy as long as traces of cancer are left. I spent 72 hours in the hospital recovering. The entire staff was wonderful. My mom stayed with me which allowed my lovely wife a little bit of a break. My caregivers are starting to show signs of strain but God strengthens us. I am so happy to be home. Last night I spent time with my wife, my mother, and my kids. The increase in appetite, exercise, and love is quite healing. The animals seem to be happy to see me. I look forward to a healthy immune system so I can play with all my freaky family. Dave and Athena have not visited since the third week of chemo. I am at ease with whatever happens. I hope, and pray for a clean report and to be healthy again soon. I have been working hard on rehabilitation exercises, prayer, nutrition, and rest. It concerns me that the veins that drain my brain are compromised. I don't know what impact that will have on flight. I hope that I have an opportunity to work on that issue. I recognize that the battle is not over. The doctor seems quite happy with my progress so far. Thank all of you for your kind words, deeds, and prayers.
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