I love gardening. I live on a lake. The ditch on the side of my property is lined with rocks to expedite the flow of water. The weeds grow between the rocks and make the ditch a snake habitat. Running a weed eater is frustrating because the rocks slice the string. I am pretty sure the snakes are scared of the sound but water moccasins are not polite like rattlesnakes; they do not warn you. That is my excuse for buying a flamethrower.
It is one of my favorite tools. It kills weeds, spiders, snakes and other varmints and is fun to use. I have only caught a few trees, the neighbor’s fence and myself on fire. It reminds me of a time on Fort Leonard Wood with Gordy Tully…but that is a story for a different day.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Whirlwind of emotions
This last week has been interesting. Thank God I am alive and getting stronger every day! The ups and downs of recovery are fascinating. It is awesome to be able to ply my trade. It is totally worth avoiding the mind numbing medications to be able to focus. When I relax the stupid pain hammers me. That is irritating.
I have been able to work in the garden which brings me great joy. I am faced with the reality that I can not lift and move things like I could last year. My mind imagines knocking out a few hours of work and my body conks out an hour into the job with out a lot accomplished. It disappoints me to fall short of my goals. I realize those objectives are set only by me and being upset is counter productive. It is like I aged twenty years in six months. The problem is that I am not twenty years wiser.
Trying to establish the new “normal” is a process. Pushing the limits is natural. It is OK to get pissed if it improves performance and you do not punish other people because of your shortcomings. Remember to savor the moment. I am incredibly blessed.
I have been able to work in the garden which brings me great joy. I am faced with the reality that I can not lift and move things like I could last year. My mind imagines knocking out a few hours of work and my body conks out an hour into the job with out a lot accomplished. It disappoints me to fall short of my goals. I realize those objectives are set only by me and being upset is counter productive. It is like I aged twenty years in six months. The problem is that I am not twenty years wiser.
Trying to establish the new “normal” is a process. Pushing the limits is natural. It is OK to get pissed if it improves performance and you do not punish other people because of your shortcomings. Remember to savor the moment. I am incredibly blessed.
Friday, March 28, 2014
One year survivor
March 20, 2013 the ENT doctor from Fort Bragg called and gave me the results of the fine needle biopsy. “You have cancer, blah, blah, blah.” I had prepared mentally for the diagnosis but it still hammered me emotionally. I did not process many of the words after “you have cancer.”
I went to work and let the client know I would be unable to fly with him. It was a teachable moment. The IMSAFE checklist is an acronym to assess the pilot’s fitness for flight. Illness, well that sucks, possibly legal to still fly. Medication: not at the moment. Stress: just a bit, and the show stopper for me. Alcohol: not yet, but sounds tempting. Fatigue: it explained a lot. Emotion/Eating: not sure how to handle the emotions, and I am not hungry.
My experience in the service helped me appreciate the fragility of life. Too many of my brothers died too early. Everyday that I wake up is a gift and is not taken for granted. I understood that the cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence unless left untreated.
Watching how it affected my loved ones was the toughest. My wife, my mother and my children did great. The fact that they can not do much to “make it all better” is hard to deal with.
Some people treat you with kid gloves and avoid talking about the realities of the situation. Other people only want to talk about it. My advice to the friends and family of someone affected by cancer is to let them know you love them and remember “they ain’t dead yet,” in other words all hope is not lost. Keeping a sense of humor is very important. Laughing and crying are fine responses and trying to keep up any façade falls apart under stress anyway.
The treatment was tough. My faith and my marriage became stronger. The bonds of friendship were essential to our success. Thank God for my many blessings. My wife is an awesome caregiver. My friends and family provided a support network that filled in the gaps when we were cracking under the pressure. I would name names but I know I would forget someone. Thank all of you.
I am so grateful that I am alive. The second year of cancer survival is going to have its challenges. The pain makes sleep difficult which adds to the challenge of establishing a good rest cycle. Weakness and fatigue are still issues. Lymphodema and peripheral neuropathy are lingering side effects. The stiffening of the scar tissues and possibly radiation fibrosis are additional side effects. Sticking to the physical therapy routine will help my recovery no matter the technical causes.
Diet and exercise are the foundations of any recovery program. Maintaining discipline is the challenge. Prayer helps. Thank God for all my blessings. I am getting stronger; I am teaching and flying again. Food is a source of pleasure again. This weekend we celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. I am indeed one of the luckiest people ever.
I went to work and let the client know I would be unable to fly with him. It was a teachable moment. The IMSAFE checklist is an acronym to assess the pilot’s fitness for flight. Illness, well that sucks, possibly legal to still fly. Medication: not at the moment. Stress: just a bit, and the show stopper for me. Alcohol: not yet, but sounds tempting. Fatigue: it explained a lot. Emotion/Eating: not sure how to handle the emotions, and I am not hungry.
My experience in the service helped me appreciate the fragility of life. Too many of my brothers died too early. Everyday that I wake up is a gift and is not taken for granted. I understood that the cancer diagnosis is not a death sentence unless left untreated.
Watching how it affected my loved ones was the toughest. My wife, my mother and my children did great. The fact that they can not do much to “make it all better” is hard to deal with.
Some people treat you with kid gloves and avoid talking about the realities of the situation. Other people only want to talk about it. My advice to the friends and family of someone affected by cancer is to let them know you love them and remember “they ain’t dead yet,” in other words all hope is not lost. Keeping a sense of humor is very important. Laughing and crying are fine responses and trying to keep up any façade falls apart under stress anyway.
The treatment was tough. My faith and my marriage became stronger. The bonds of friendship were essential to our success. Thank God for my many blessings. My wife is an awesome caregiver. My friends and family provided a support network that filled in the gaps when we were cracking under the pressure. I would name names but I know I would forget someone. Thank all of you.
I am so grateful that I am alive. The second year of cancer survival is going to have its challenges. The pain makes sleep difficult which adds to the challenge of establishing a good rest cycle. Weakness and fatigue are still issues. Lymphodema and peripheral neuropathy are lingering side effects. The stiffening of the scar tissues and possibly radiation fibrosis are additional side effects. Sticking to the physical therapy routine will help my recovery no matter the technical causes.
Diet and exercise are the foundations of any recovery program. Maintaining discipline is the challenge. Prayer helps. Thank God for all my blessings. I am getting stronger; I am teaching and flying again. Food is a source of pleasure again. This weekend we celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. I am indeed one of the luckiest people ever.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Five months later
It has been about five months since my last treatment. Praise God I am alive and kickin’. The long road to recovery continues to teach me lessons. Patience, perseverance and gratitude are the main themes. I want to be as strong and healthy as I was before the treatment. That may or may not happen. Six months of treatment will probably take more than six months of recovery. The massive amount of abuse my body endured will take time to heal. Some of the after effects may linger for a long time. The neuropathy, the fatigue, and the missing parts still hinder my performance.
Sometimes I get tired of being tired and pissed off at being in pain. The solutions offered by medical science have crummy side effects. Chemical pain management makes my mind too slow to fly and ride motorcycles. Diet and exercise are the solutions that work. They take time. Rest is part of the recovery process. I have to remind myself that I am not a lazy bum but a recovering cancer survivor. I have been able to return to work and that is awesome. I have to closely monitor my fatigue level to insure I provide a safe and conducive learning environment and that I do not hinder the healing process.
I want to return to full time work but I am approaching it with caution, and without a medical certificate it is not really feasible. The FAA is moving at the speed of government. AOPA and I continue to try to track and expedite my medical. I have not started riding my motorcycle yet, so motorcycle safety is not an option. I do not think I could handle the hours or the physical demands anyway. Teaching college for Embry-Riddle is an option but the courses I am cleared for are not on the schedule.
When I count my blessings it puts it in perspective. I am alive. I have no evidence of disease. My wife is not pushing me around in a wheelchair anymore. I am not 127 pounds and puking my guts out. I am grateful they did not have to cut out more parts. Some of my cancer comrades at UNC lost parts of their jaw, their voice box, and parts of their face. Some of them lost the battle. My friends and family continue to shower me with love and support. I am one of the luckiest people on the planet.
Sometimes I get tired of being tired and pissed off at being in pain. The solutions offered by medical science have crummy side effects. Chemical pain management makes my mind too slow to fly and ride motorcycles. Diet and exercise are the solutions that work. They take time. Rest is part of the recovery process. I have to remind myself that I am not a lazy bum but a recovering cancer survivor. I have been able to return to work and that is awesome. I have to closely monitor my fatigue level to insure I provide a safe and conducive learning environment and that I do not hinder the healing process.
I want to return to full time work but I am approaching it with caution, and without a medical certificate it is not really feasible. The FAA is moving at the speed of government. AOPA and I continue to try to track and expedite my medical. I have not started riding my motorcycle yet, so motorcycle safety is not an option. I do not think I could handle the hours or the physical demands anyway. Teaching college for Embry-Riddle is an option but the courses I am cleared for are not on the schedule.
When I count my blessings it puts it in perspective. I am alive. I have no evidence of disease. My wife is not pushing me around in a wheelchair anymore. I am not 127 pounds and puking my guts out. I am grateful they did not have to cut out more parts. Some of my cancer comrades at UNC lost parts of their jaw, their voice box, and parts of their face. Some of them lost the battle. My friends and family continue to shower me with love and support. I am one of the luckiest people on the planet.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Dawg Tarred
Ah um dawg tarred o this…
Yesterday Ben and I were supposed to start obedience training. The class canceled, again. I will have to seek another provider. Ben is reasonably well mannered but far from being a therapy dog. He is, however, the perfect dog for me. He has made the cancer journey easier and it would be nice if we could share the love.
My daughter has moved to Louisiana. She is trying a new adventure. It is a great opportunity for her and my mom to bond. There is a bit of culture shock. My mom lives in the woods outside of Gloster, La. The film ‘Water Boy’ is not too far off target. I loved living there. We moved to Riverside, California right around puberty. That was traumatic. I was a country boy in the big city. Among other things they made fun of my accent; “dude, say dog.”
The formative years set the stage for our personality. I tried hard to fit in. My music changed from Hank Williams to Kiss. Just as I was becoming accepted the disco craze started. I made a half-hearted effort to go with the trend but could not stomach the fickle nature of junior high social hierarchy. I figured out I did not want to make the effort to be “popular” if it meant pretending to like things I did not. I was still an idiot but I knew I liked bluegrass and punk, functional clothes and DAWGS.
Recovery continues. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be. Thanks for the prayers and support.
Yesterday Ben and I were supposed to start obedience training. The class canceled, again. I will have to seek another provider. Ben is reasonably well mannered but far from being a therapy dog. He is, however, the perfect dog for me. He has made the cancer journey easier and it would be nice if we could share the love.
My daughter has moved to Louisiana. She is trying a new adventure. It is a great opportunity for her and my mom to bond. There is a bit of culture shock. My mom lives in the woods outside of Gloster, La. The film ‘Water Boy’ is not too far off target. I loved living there. We moved to Riverside, California right around puberty. That was traumatic. I was a country boy in the big city. Among other things they made fun of my accent; “dude, say dog.”
The formative years set the stage for our personality. I tried hard to fit in. My music changed from Hank Williams to Kiss. Just as I was becoming accepted the disco craze started. I made a half-hearted effort to go with the trend but could not stomach the fickle nature of junior high social hierarchy. I figured out I did not want to make the effort to be “popular” if it meant pretending to like things I did not. I was still an idiot but I knew I liked bluegrass and punk, functional clothes and DAWGS.
Recovery continues. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be. Thanks for the prayers and support.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
New surgical oncologist
Last Friday I met my new surgical oncologist. He seems like a competent, caring skilled professional. He stuck the camera down my nose into my throat and did not see any evidence of disease. We discussed scheduling a PET scan rather than a CT scan for the next checkup. This would help establish a conclusive negative evidence of disease. The CT is limited in its ability to distinguish possible tumor re-growth from the scar tissue. A PET scan with a positive indication is not conclusive evidence but, a negative PET scan is as close to conclusive as it gets. I am not real excited about any additional exposure to radiation be it CT, PET or X-ray of any kind but early detection makes the battle easier. My next appointment is in April. No news on my FAA medical. AOPA can start bugging the FAA next week.
There are inspirational people who have touched me during this journey and it is time to start paying back. One of my friends at the Lineberger comprehensive cancer center gave me their assessment of the American Cancer Society. They are very helpful to the people at UNC. They provide excellent written resources, funding for research, and other services. A big endorsement was the fact that when she calls they answer and follow through on their promises. I think I will participate in the relay for life.
I volunteered for the Imerman Angels program. Last year, it was very helpful to speak to someone who survived the same kind of cancer. Weighing treatment options was easier knowing that the road(s) I was contemplating were successfully survived. It also inspires me to keep up on the physical therapy to improve my quality of life.
I am grateful to God for every breath. Sometimes I feel down and that is normal. Remembering the successful battles of the last year and my fallen friends and family keeps the self pity to a minimum. I am excited to be here and look forward with great expectations. Pain is just a reminder that I am alive and have work to do. Thanks for all the prayers and support.
There are inspirational people who have touched me during this journey and it is time to start paying back. One of my friends at the Lineberger comprehensive cancer center gave me their assessment of the American Cancer Society. They are very helpful to the people at UNC. They provide excellent written resources, funding for research, and other services. A big endorsement was the fact that when she calls they answer and follow through on their promises. I think I will participate in the relay for life.
I volunteered for the Imerman Angels program. Last year, it was very helpful to speak to someone who survived the same kind of cancer. Weighing treatment options was easier knowing that the road(s) I was contemplating were successfully survived. It also inspires me to keep up on the physical therapy to improve my quality of life.
I am grateful to God for every breath. Sometimes I feel down and that is normal. Remembering the successful battles of the last year and my fallen friends and family keeps the self pity to a minimum. I am excited to be here and look forward with great expectations. Pain is just a reminder that I am alive and have work to do. Thanks for all the prayers and support.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Charity and fraud
I am thinking about participating in the American Cancer Society “Relay for Life.” It is a walk-a-thon to raise money. I research before donating because there are so many deserving organizations that get lost in the crowd of less than efficient groups. Also there are many charity scams that bilk good intentioned people of hard earned money. Charity navigator is a resource along with the Federal Trade Commission and the IRS to check out the charity. I do not subscribe to the idea that “if it is big and established it must be OK.” The most successful scams are legal and endorsed by famous names.
In my personal experience livestrong helped me. They handle about 40 million dollars and are rated higher than the American Cancer Society. The ACS handles almost a billion dollars and seems to spend much of the money on fundraising events. Cancer related charities are huge business and accusations of collusion between big medicine, big pharma and the charities are a common theme among the blog-heads. I understand western medicine is not the only answer and that we tend to treat symptoms rather than focus on health but I do not think “it is all a scam.”
The treatment protocols that were used on me have a good track record with survival rates beyond five years. The five year benchmark is used because if you have “no evidence of disease” for five years and then die of something it is hard to pin the cause of death on the old cancer. Speaking from personal experience I imagine my lifespan is shorter due to the side effects of the treatment but much longer than if I left the cancer untreated. I also went with a known successful method rather than one of the alternative treatments. Steve Jobs was an inspiration.
If I do participate I do not want people to feel pressure to contribute. Charity should come from the heart. I believe in over tipping, it is best if it is done in a way that you do not get credit. The “pay it forward” idea taps into the same concept. I have no idea why God blesses me so much but, I should pass that on to others. It does not have to be money or material blessings. Being kind to one another even, especially, if they don’t deserve it is the idea. I have not reconciled this with not wanting to reward and encourage jerks. Errors should be on the side of mercy.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. Recovery is slow but steady. I will see the doctor for another checkup soon. Preparing the garden for spring is keeping me busy. If you feel strongly for or against the relay let me know.
In my personal experience livestrong helped me. They handle about 40 million dollars and are rated higher than the American Cancer Society. The ACS handles almost a billion dollars and seems to spend much of the money on fundraising events. Cancer related charities are huge business and accusations of collusion between big medicine, big pharma and the charities are a common theme among the blog-heads. I understand western medicine is not the only answer and that we tend to treat symptoms rather than focus on health but I do not think “it is all a scam.”
The treatment protocols that were used on me have a good track record with survival rates beyond five years. The five year benchmark is used because if you have “no evidence of disease” for five years and then die of something it is hard to pin the cause of death on the old cancer. Speaking from personal experience I imagine my lifespan is shorter due to the side effects of the treatment but much longer than if I left the cancer untreated. I also went with a known successful method rather than one of the alternative treatments. Steve Jobs was an inspiration.
If I do participate I do not want people to feel pressure to contribute. Charity should come from the heart. I believe in over tipping, it is best if it is done in a way that you do not get credit. The “pay it forward” idea taps into the same concept. I have no idea why God blesses me so much but, I should pass that on to others. It does not have to be money or material blessings. Being kind to one another even, especially, if they don’t deserve it is the idea. I have not reconciled this with not wanting to reward and encourage jerks. Errors should be on the side of mercy.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. Recovery is slow but steady. I will see the doctor for another checkup soon. Preparing the garden for spring is keeping me busy. If you feel strongly for or against the relay let me know.
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