Psychology, therapy and resilience

 Asking for help is a sign of strength. Despite the trappings of science very little social sciences is based on solid irrefutable data. Humans are tremendously resilient and vary in their coping mechanisms. For examples “stages of grief” and “levels of learning” are merely cognitive concepts that help us understand processes. This is unlike the direct measurement of pH levels and how it affects nutrient absorption.

The standards of “mental health” are a human construct. Not that long ago homosexuality was classified as a mental illness by the psychological community. That is not to say that real behavioral issues can be understood by the application of the scientific method. Chemical imbalances, brain tissue damage are areas we can positively diagnose and treat.

Happiness and other more nebulous conditions are harder to define and thus, easier to diagnose at the will of the provider. The medical industry including the mental health divisions tend to treat symptoms rather than cure root causes. If one becomes a repeat paying customer the incentive to “fix” the problem is not the highest priority.

Be aware that the person providing the treatment and/or advice is as human as you. Often their education and training is not as extensive as you imagine. There is real value in seeking treatment and advise. Objective, wise and compassionate council is truly valuable. Use caution since not that long ago electroshock therapy and lobotomies were considered leading edge treatment.

Taking control of your life

The illusion of control is important to humans. We love to pretend we are in charge of how our lives turn out. The facts don't matter. Preparation, hard work and talent do tend to sway the odds but fate, luck, and timing can take it all away or grant us magnificent opulence.

The one thing we can control is how we react. It is a constant battle that takes discipline. The space between our ears is the essence of our experience. Instead of proclaiming that “I am angry” turn it into a verb, “I am angering.” This subtle shift makes me take responsibility for the emotion rather than imagining that I am a leaf caught in a tide. Society in general shuns responsibility and glorifies the emotion itself. “Falling in love” like it is a mud puddle or “I am depressed” like it is a hole.

The challenge is to reflect on our internal dialogue, determine the source, and either strike at the root, or accept the mental and emotional state. “I am angering because I am hungry, tired, stressed or lonely. Then the choice becomes accept the anger and use it, or eat, and perhaps quell the emotion. Some of the deeper sources of emotional turmoil require profound changes. Poor diet and sleep habits are challenges that can be addressed with considerable effort. A lack of purpose is much more formidable. Nietzsche is one option. Since he went insane and committed suicide so I do not choose his philosophy.

Direct actions and habits to improve the quality of life include focusing on your diet: mental, physical and spiritual. “You are what you eat” is an axiom that applies. Slight changes add up. I try to drink water before my morning coffee. I love to eat! I often eat when I am bored, putting healthier choices in my way makes it more likely that I will eat fruits instead of chips. The stuff you put in your brain matters. Read and watch things that help feed your mind. Try to learn new stuff. Devoting 15 minutes a day to a new skill has helped me acquire many circus tricks. Silence is good for you. My mother meditates regularly. I tend to use monotonous tasks as an outlet to silence my big brain and allow me to engage in the flow of the universe. Running, walking, driving, motorcycle riding, surfing, weeding, mowing are examples of “boring” tasks that require various layers of concentration that can open the Zen of the moment. Subtle changes in the environment have been revolutionary in altering my mood. Opening the window shades, cleaning up clutter, a photo, and music can all shift the background influences in the positive direction.

So, you want to be an airline pilot

 I am often asked how to become an airline pilot. Each individual has their own motivations and part of the equation is to determine why and that will guide them. Money, lifestyle and the love of aviation are common reasons to become a pilot. I caution them that the industry is very volatile and stability is uncertain. One day the job market is great and they are hiring like crazy with good compensation and the next furloughs and bankruptcies are common. The effects of COVID are the latest example. I try to steer people away from incurring large debt and establishing a solid back up plan, that is learning a skill that does not depend on the airline industry.

With that being said there are several ways to get the ratings and certificates with the adage of “quick, good and cheap; pick two” applying to the journey. The military offers training that is good and cheap to the individual but comes with a time commitment. Explore all the branches including the guard and reserve. Aviation colleges and universities offer good training but the price is high. There are many options from community colleges to four-year institutions. UND, Liberty, Embry-Riddle. If this is the route one chooses; get a degree, rating or minor that allows non-flying opportunities. Aviation schools are a fast option but tend to have an equally high cost. Some of the big names are ATP, flight safety and others.

This is where we start to talk about the difference between part 61 and 141, the FAA regulations that govern pilot training. Part 61 has more flexibility but requires more hours. Part 141 is very structured, requires less hours but has some challenges. The fast routes tend to have relatively new instructors that are building their experience and may not be seasoned enough to deal with learning plateaus. Part 61 has tremendous variety and can range from a large flying club or school to a single airplane with a single instructor at an airport or grass strip. A recent additional route are ab-intro academies sponsored or run by the airlines. My knowledge of these programs is limited. European countries have used this model for years.

The path for civilian qualifications is student pilot, private pilot, instrument rating, commercial pilot and airline transport pilot. The instructor rating is generally part of the progression. At some point a multi-engine rating is required. The commercial rating is required before you can get paid for flying and the ATP rating is required to fly for the airlines. The ATP rating requires 1500 hours with some exceptions. The airlines will assist pilots with 1500 hours in completing the ATP rating.

I would advise people to sign up with AOPA, it is free for the first six months. Also explore the FAA website since it provides all the training standards and reference materials. Mutilple scholarships are available to the motivated. I learned through a military flying club and took several years before I had the required ratings.

I was blessed to be a member of the Wings of Carolina Flying Club. At the time we had about a dozen airplanes and around 300 members. When I initially had the hours for an airline job the pay was not lucrative enough to pry me away. Over ten years of teaching at the club I was able to help several people on their journey to airline pilot. It is possible to progress rapidly but, it requires a commitment from both the student and instructor(s). Three to five lessons a week with an understanding that weather cancellations mean ground school and/or simulator time to keep progressing. When the weather precluded other students from utilizing my time we could fill in the gaps. For example when a private student was scheduled for cross country work and the weather was below VFR we could work in an instrument lesson. Part of the beauty of the club is that a dedicated individual can learn from multiple sources. The love of aviation runs high at the club and it is easy to talk other instructors into substitute teaching when the primary instructor schedule does not align. Several of our club alumni spent time learning at maintenance night and other club events and now they wear airline uniforms.

One of the coolest thing about mixing with the people at the club is that not all of them became airline pilots. Some are NASA researchers, military aviators, air traffic controllers, dispatchers and AMTs. There are others that took other paths and design websites. The beauty of learning at the club is that there is no pressure to conform to a certain career path. But, if you want it we can work on it.

Happiness in the real world

 Several years ago, I got a DUI. It was a significant emotional event. I was very depressed and my buddy Walter Morgan took me out to lunch. He listened to me whine for a while and then said “Ronney, you are an asshole.”

I responded “Thanks Walt, that is just what I needed.”

He said “If you got divorced and were kicked out of the Air Force you could and probably would bounce back. THAT bastard has a reason to whine.” pointing at a dude in a wife beater sitting on the porch of his run-down South Carolina red neck trailer.

“Stand up, do a triage on yourself and drive on.”

I began a long journey, searching my soul, reading multiple books and reflecting on the deeper meaning of life. I was sent to the Air Force drunk class so I had a few days without distraction. It was around this time that my son was learning how to get up and dress himself. One day he came into the room very early in the morning and loudly announced “Dad, I woke up!” In my sleepy decaffeinated nicotine deprived grumpy state I wanted to respond negatively but, I did not. Love is a powerful thing. I said “That is awesome!”

I began to think “Ronney, you need to be grateful that you woke up, you are alive and that means you have a chance.” A chance to do what?

One of the books I read was “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective people.” I recommend reading it. One of the book's more powerful exercises was to develop a mission statement with the thought of what will people say at your funeral. Think about your legacy, how you effect the world and the people around you. Although I have revisited it many times my personal mission statement remains fairly constant.

Concurrent with the soul searching and focused reading was a realization of how blessed I am. I started to think of ways to serve those less fortunate, not to give them handouts but a hand up. I started tutoring with the community college as a volunteer. I was teaching adults to read. It was amazing because I got to help some amazing people. One was a welder who had to find employment since the Charleston Naval Shipyard was cutting back. This man had done more for his country than I and was in dire straits since he was functionally illiterate. That is to say he could navigate through life but, missed out on so many nuances since he could barely read. Another was an 80-year preacher who wanted to read the Bible to his grand-kids. He had memorized the Bible. Soon the staff realized I was able to teach math and I began to tutor adult GED students.

When I focused on serving others and being a conduit for God's grace, I did not have time to reflect on the slings and arrows of my misfortunes. Living life with a larger purpose than my own sniveling needs keeps me busy and keeps my perspective grounded in the reality that I am not the center of the universe. My life journey has taken many turns since and I learned forgiveness. I remain a flawed selfish creature that fails daily but I learned to forgive even myself and concentrate on my mission. I am not living for myself anymore. It is strange that since I started focusing on the eternal and external, I have come to appreciate my present existence and generally have internal peace.

Your mission will be different than mine but formulating what you think it is will be a worthwhile exercise. If you internalize your mission, it gives you purpose. Dealing with the inevitable setbacks and stresses of life are easier when you have a larger goal. I tend to use exercise, prayer and action to manage my stress. Action can be as simple as gardening, playing with critters, motorcycle riding, shooting or as complex as flying.

There is a God, you ain't him (nor am I)

 I do not care what you believe, or more accurately, I do not care very deeply. It is between you and God. One of the fundamental questions in life is the nature of our self. Do we exist only in the flesh and cease consciousness when we die? Descartes pondered the eternal and came up with the postulate that if you do exist forever and act as if you do not then you would likely regret your actions, but if you do not exist forever then there is no harm in living your life as if it has consequences.

Do you believe in God? It seems to be a yes or no question although some agnostics want to sidestep the question. If your answer is no then why not act only in your own interests? In that universe, to quote a good friend, we are only self-aware dirt in transition. An accident happened with no real purpose and we exist only for a breath and then we are no more. A most dangerous prayer is to sincerely ask “God, if you are real, show me.”

If you find you believe in God what is His nature? Humans often ascribe our sense of morality on the eternal. We think we are the arbitrators of right and wrong. If there is an all powerful God that created the universe who are we to question motives? A speck of dust on a speck of dust screaming “it's not fair.” The Bible reveals God's nature. One of the recurring themes is the beginning of wisdom is the fear of God. Fearing the consequences of our words, deeds and thoughts. Whether we want to or not we will be judged. God is holy and perfect, against that standard we fail. The old testament is full of rules and sacrifices to atone for breaking those rules. The Jewish people were constantly presenting sacrifices to atone for their sins. In the new testament God sent Jesus to earth to provide an everlasting payment for the sins of mankind. You only need to believe in Him as your savior. It seems like an easy deal, and it is, but you are expected to repent and turn away from your sins and live a new life.

Failing to live up to the standard is not the end of your journey. We are in a constant battle between our natural tendency to rebel and the Holy Spirit's divine grace. God will use you to fulfill His purpose, “Even the wicked are made for the day of disaster.” I do not pretend to understand why we are given free-will AND our destiny is preordained. I know my rebellious selfish nature is wrong and I fall short. I know God helps me to know the difference and sometimes I choose correctly.

More thoughts on prayer

 

Prayer is NOT a replacement for medical or psychological treatment. As far as I have observed and experienced prayer does not work as a wish granting device. Pain and suffering may be part of your life despite praying for relief. You can not pray your way out of the earthly consequences of your behavior. Asking for forgiveness and expressing regret is NOT repentance. Prayer supplements rather than replaces hard work and preparation. Prayer is not an excuse for inaction. Both good people and evil people pray. Everyone dies.

My thoughts on prayer

 Prayer is a way for us to speak to God. I am sure that God does not care if you use certain words or strike certain poses. He knows your heart so sincerity is probably the only criteria. The Bible tells us to pray continuously.

Since God spoke the universe into existence I believe verbalizing is powerful. The very act of speaking takes effort and the sound of your voice resonates within you. Praying publicly is scary. It is weird to think that we worry about what other humans think when we are addressing God, but we do. The Quakers are a sect of Christianity that endorses silent prayer. So much so that they quake in silence. Many other belief systems pray. It seems that elaborate ceremonial procedures can help people get closer to God. I try not to judge others on their methods or connection since I am just a human.

The benefit of prayer is documented in secular and scientific literature. Many of the studies indicate that the expression of gratitude increases personal satisfaction. It is somewhat ironic that expressing thankfulness makes people happier. In my personal experience prayer is a way for me to connect with God. I talk to Him directly. My prayers are often answered, sometimes like I imagined but more often in ways I did not expect. I try to remember that my time on earth is limited and only part of the journey. The trials and lessons are meant to develop me. I know I was built for a purpose. Understanding and fulfilling my mission is an evolving process. Prayer allows me to both vent and reflect. Listening and obeying God is the second half of prayer. The communications is not one way. It scares people, myself included, to listen to the voices in my head. It is a vulnerable place to be when you quiet your mind and let God speak to you. I would not say that I hear a specific voice that tells me what to do, but on the rare occasions I shut up I do recognize the right thing to do. I think that is why I am drawn to extreme activities. When hurtling toward imminent doom on the edge of a giant wave that will crush me I cannot focus on anything else and my mind is clear. The Zen Buddhist idea of living in the moment and disconnecting from earthly concerns has a valid point.

Training my self-dialogue is an added benefit of focused verbalized prayer. I try to make the first words out of my mouth in the morning “Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below, praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.” This is an outgrowth of the lesson I learned when my son, as a child, greeted me enthusiastically “Dad, I woke up!” In my groggy probably hung over grumpy mind I could not be angry or upset over such a greeting. I started over a quarter of a century ago trying to appreciate the fact that I had another day. That was a huge change over the attitude expressed before. The trivial tasks and challenges of the upcoming day would sometimes immediately overwhelm me. I started to control my self talk and quit cursing and yelling at myself. I named the negative voice “Bud,” after a person who was always speaking ill into my life. “OK Bud” became an appropriate response and helps shut that out of my mind. I still get pissed at things and have a tendency to be grumpy especially without coffee but praying helps focus me towards a higher goal.

One of the most effective ways of keeping me reverent is to pray for others. It reminds me of my uniquely blessed position and how I need to spread the love to others. I pray about adversarial relationships so I can remember my forgiveness and try to freely give grace. Life can be tough, prayer does not change the road but may remind you to look at the scenery on the detour. In times of battle I pray for a steady hand and accurate fire. I am sure my enemy is praying to their God. Blood will spill and heads will roll let me be an instrument of your will.

Some of the realities I recognize: God has a purpose for me, I will serve that purpose no matter what my desire, Pain and suffering are part of the experience. My sincere belief is that this short life is only part of my existence and lessons that I learn here will make sense someday. So pray. Pray often, pray silently, pray out loud. Pray kneeling, standing or on your head. Pray about things you can't change, pray for the strength, will and wisdom to change things you can change. Pray for forgiveness, pray to forgive. Thank God for all your blessings and whine about other things. Pray for yourself, pray for others. Pray often, sincerely, and reverently. Listen and evaluate the voices in your head.